Some stories are so heavy and so sacred that they stay with you long after the conversation ends. This is one of those stories.
In honor of National Survivors of Suicide Loss Day (November 22), I talked with a mom who has walked an unthinkably painful road and yet continues to cling to God with a steady, quiet faith.
Carol Krawiec is a remarkable woman who has not lost one child… but three sons. Her youngest son, Ben, died by suicide. And yet through so much devastation, she continues to walk a path of faith, healing, and hope.
This is truly a message about being held through the dark and trusting God after a child’s suicide, even when your heart feels shattered beyond repair.
Three Sons in Heaven: Dan, Tim, and Ben
Carol began by sharing the stories of her precious boys.
Daniel, her oldest, died in 2012 after eight long years battling depression and addiction brought on by a prescription given after back surgery. Even in the struggle, he was gentle, kind and tender-hearted. God gave their family a beautiful nine months of clarity before he relapsed one final time.
Timothy, her youngest, battled alcohol addiction from a young age, much of it connected to the chaos of mental illness in their home. He came to know Jesus in rehab and experienced wonderful periods of sobriety. But a combination of unresolved trauma, grief over losing his big brother, and the exhausting fight of addiction led to heart failure, ending his life in 2019.
And then there was Ben, their most artistic, sensitive, creative and deeply empathetic son. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 12 and spent his life cycling through treatments, hospitalizations, and painful swings between mania and depression. He loved his children fiercely, and when he was stable, he was an incredible father, caregiver, and friend. But when darkness overtook him, it was devastating.
After losing both of his brothers, and with the mental health system failing him during a critical crisis, Ben ended his life. The illness simply became too heavy to carry.
This is the reality many parents face; mental illness is an illness, just like cancer or heart disease. And sometimes it becomes the illness that takes our children from us.
Guilt, Shame, and All the Questions That Follow Suicide Loss
One of the hardest parts of suicide loss is the crushing guilt.
What could I have done differently?
Why wasn’t my love enough?
Why didn’t God step in?
Carol has wrestled with all of it.
She shared how she cried by a creek for months and poured out her questions to God, sometimes yelling, sometimes whispering, always desperate for answers.
But she also learned that the enemy uses shame and guilt like daggers meant to keep us trapped in darkness. She said something powerful:
“You have to combat the lies of the enemy with the truth of Scripture.”
Romans 8 became her anchor, especially the assurance that nothing can separate us from God’s love. Not addiction. Not mental illness. Not wandering away. And not even suicide.
This is at the heart of Held Through the Dark: Trusting God after a Child’s Suicide. We need the continual returning to God’s promises, even when our hearts don’t feel them yet.
Seeing Through the Lens of Eternity
One thing Carol said is something I have also learned throughout the years.
“I don’t need to know all the answers to trust God.”
As grieving parents, we often struggle with scriptures that used to bring comfort. They almost feel like they mock us after the death of our child. “All things work together for good?” How can this possibly be good?
We talked about how limited our human perspective is when we’re in deep grief. We only see this life through a dark, cloudy lens, while God sees through the lens of eternity.
Carol made the statement, “I’d want my sons back in a moment, but not the way they were. Their pain was so deep.” And that’s something many of us can relate to: we love our children fiercely, but we also know the suffering they carried.
When we are grieving, it often feels impossible to imagine anything beyond the pain we’re living in right now. But God sees what we cannot. He sees the fullness of our children’s stories. He sees the healing, the wholeness, and the glory they now experience in His presence.
None of this takes away our sorrow. But it does give us a place to anchor our hope. And this is part of what it means to be held through the dark and trusting God after a child’s suicide, by acknowledging that even though we can’t see the full picture yet, God can.
The Trauma of Repeated Loss
Losing one child is unthinkable. Losing two is unbearable. Losing three? Most of us can’t fathom it.
Yet Carol shared that even through wave after wave of loss, she knew she had a choice.
Not an easy one.
Not a one-time decision.
But a daily choice:
“I ran to God, not away from Him, because He had been faithful to me all my life. Where else would I go?”
Carol knows the fear of losing another child. She lived under the weight of it for years. But she also reminds us that God doesn’t give us grace for what might happen. He gives grace for what we are facing right now.
And that He has been faithful every single time.
Breaking the Myths Around Suicide and Mental Illness
There is still so much stigma and misunderstanding around suicide and mental illness, especially in church settings. Carol has heard comments blaming parents for their child’s death. She has met people who think mental illness is simply a lack of faith. Those statements are not biblical. They are not true. And they heap more pain onto hearts that are already broken.
The truth is:
The brain is an organ.
Organs can get sick.
And sometimes those illnesses are fatal.
Just as cancer claims lives, so can mental illness.
Just as a heart can fail, so can a mind overwhelmed by darkness.
Carol said she has no difficulty honoring her son who died by suicide because it was the illness, not a lack of love or faith, that took him.
This is part of why we need safe spaces, community, and honest conversations. We need places where parents can say their child’s name without shame, where they can talk about suicide loss without judgment.
Telling Our Stories Honors Our Children and Honors God
Carol now leads Zoom groups for moms navigating suicide loss, overdose, and mental illness. She has stepped into a calling that she never wanted—but one she now embraces with tenderness and courage.
She said something beautiful:
“Telling my story honors my boys, and it honors God.”
She referenced Isaiah 54:4 as her “life verse” now:
“The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort the weary.”
Sharing our children with others keeps their light alive.
It breaks shame.
It builds connection.
It brings healing.
And for those who are still very early on this path, hearing another parent’s story can make the difference between drowning in darkness and beginning to breathe again.
This, too, is part of being held through the dark: trusting God after a child’s suicide, by allowing God to turn our mourning into comfort for others.
Worship, Presence, and the Hope of Heaven
Toward the end of our conversation, Carol shared how she often imagines her sons worshiping Jesus, and how she pictures worshiping alongside them.
“We’re still their moms,” she said. “Our relationship is different, but it’s not gone. They are in our future.”
This moved me deeply because I understand it so well. I also picture myself worshiping Jesus next to my daughter, Becca. And I often cry during worship, not from sadness, but because of God’s faithfulness to me. I can honestly say that I am more happy for Becca than I am sad for myself most of the time. Not always, but most of the time.
Worship reminds us that our children are safe.
Whole.
Joyful.
And waiting for us.
Even in this grief, we are held through the dark: trusting God after a child’s suicide by remembering we will see our children again.
The Weaving: A Poem of Perspective
As we closed the conversation, I shared a poem that beautifully reflects this eternal viewpoint, called The Weaving, made famous by Corrie Ten Boom.
It reminds us that the dark threads are just as necessary as the bright ones in God’s design. We only see the underside of the tapestry. But one day, God will show us the full picture of the upper side.
And on that day, the pain will make sense in a way it never could here.
You Are Not Alone in This Darkness
If you are reading this because your child died by suicide, please hear this with your whole heart:
You are not alone.
Your child’s life matters.
Their story deserves to be told.
And you deserve to be surrounded with compassion, not shame.
God has not abandoned you.
He is holding you, even if you don’t feel it.
And God is with you in the darkest places, even when you cannot feel Him. You truly are being held through the dark. You can still trust God after a child’s suicide, step by step, breath by breath.
You do not have to walk through this darkness alone. There is hope, there is community, and there is a God who still carries you.
If you want to honor your child who died by suicide, I would love for you to visit our GPS Hope Facebook page (public or private) and share a photo or their name. You never have to hide your child’s story. They are loved, remembered, and precious.
And so are you.
NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 323. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.
Connect with Carol: ckrawiec806@yahoo.com
Find out more and get your copy of Hope for the Future: An Advent Journey for Bereaved Parents here.
Subscribe to the GPS Hope YouTube channel to join Laura during advent.
If you would like gentle support as you navigate life after child loss, I’ve created a free guide to walk with you. Sign below and get your copy.
AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.
In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.
For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.
The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope.
Carol and her husband Francis have been married for 48 years. Carol is a retired Special Education teacher. For over 50 years she worked to develop programs for children and adults with special needs in the community, the classroom and in local churches. Carol is currently a Leader with Grieving Moms Finding Hope and conducts several Zoom Groups each week. She has also been a speaker and group leader for Umbrella Ministries. Carol and Fran facilitate a BASIS support group for parents that have experienced child loss each month in Cape May County, NJ.
To have Laura come and minister at your event, contact us at office@gpshope.org.
The pain of losing a child doesn’t go away, even as we keep moving forward in life. Some days, it feels like a quiet heaviness that we carry. Other times, it knocks us flat and takes our breath away. Eventually, the pain becomes a deep undercurrent of who we are. It’s always there, even when others can’t see it. 
Our daughter, Becca, had the gift of hospitality. She loved cooking, preparing, and making everyone feel special. That was how she showed love. 
Gratitude doesn’t look the same as it once did for us. But eventually, as we learn to navigate the holidays after child loss, it can be even more meaningful. It might look like:
It’s not just Thanksgiving that hurts. The entire holiday season can be overwhelming and filled with questions, “whys,” and the painful reminder that our child isn’t here for the lights, the laughter, or the joy. 
No matter what the holiday is, our hearts ache more deeply when our child’s chair is empty. If that’s how you feel this season, please know you’re not alone. Give yourself permission to do the holidays differently this year. You don’t have to pretend to be okay, and you don’t have to force joy that isn’t there. 
When our child leaves this earth before we do, it can feel like everything inside of us has died too. The darkness can be so intense that even breathing feels like work. But over time, God gently begins to plant a seed of hope deep in our hearts. It’s fragile at first, easily drowned by tears or choked by pain. But as we stay connected with Him and with those who understand, that little seed begins to grow.
For a while, it was just me and God, and honestly, that was a good thing for me personally in that beginning season. But eventually, I knew that I needed to be around others who had experienced child loss.
There are so many emotions in grief: numbness, regret, anger, fear, confusion… all valid. But if you notice, these are all negative. So how do we move the needle toward the other direction, especially when we don’t know if we even want to?
There is a seed of hope already inside you. It may feel dormant, but it’s there. It just needs time (with lots of nourishing) to break through the hard ground of grief.
Satan wants you to think that you don’t need God. “If God really is who He says He is, why didn’t He stop my child from dying?” “If God is good, why did He let this happen?” The enemy will try to convince you that you will do better staying mad at God or pushing Him out of your life.
Are you living from your soul or from your spirit? Living from our soul means we are living based on how we feel and what we think about the death of our child. Living from our spirit means we are choosing to live from a higher realm; from a place fully redeemed and the one our children are now living in. 
