Season Topic: The Many Facets of Forgiveness
Welcome to episode #3
Are you struggling with forgiveness after the death of your child? That is the first topic series we are tackling on this podcast, and this week we are going to specifically address forgiving those who have hurt us in the grieving process.
Mother’s Day
Before digging in to the topic though, we discuss the fact that this week is Mother’s Day, and I also share a word of caution based on something that happened between my living daughter and me.
How Could They Treat Me This Way?
I have heard from so many of you at how shocked and hurt you have been at some of the responses from people around you about your grief. Close friends, co-workers, other family members, even pastors and clergy, and casual acquaintances say and do things that can cause us to isolate ourselves even more than we do already.
Some of the reasons we are given for this are discussed, and why it doesn’t really matter. What is important is learning how to release ourselves from allowing it to keep us trapped in anger, draining us of precious energy we already have too little of.
Personal “Domino Effects”
We are all very fragile and vulnerable after the death of our child. This is when we need others to walk with us, giving us grace in the suffocating darkness of our grief. Unfortunately, that is often when we get slammed with the opposite response.
In this episode, I share a couple of painful and shocking things that happened to me as a result of grieving Becca’s death in a way that is considered normal for the death of a child, but others did not see it that way.
Hurtful Words and How We Want to Respond
Let’s just say it like it is. Some people say really stupid and hurtful things out of their ignorance and wanting to make us feel better, such as
- At least she is in a better place now
- I know how you feel. I lost my….
- At least you still have your other children
- You need to just move on and quit living in the past
And then there is the whole religious issue that God is punishing us for messing up, or that our child died because we didn’t have enough faith for their healing or didn’t pray enough or claim the right scriptures for their protection.
All of these are completely absurd, and you will hear my response to all of the above. (Some responses were actually given directly to those who said these things to me, and some I wisely kept in my head).
I believe in speaking things out….
If you would like the prayers/words of forgiveness to be spoken out loud that will be talked about in this podcast season, just let us know below where to send them.
Links referred to in this podcast episode
Birthdays: If you would like your child mentioned on the podcast the week of his or her birthday, click here to fill out the short form with the needed information.
This week we celebrate:
Patrick Keck… birthday May 7, 1990… forever 23
Sarah Wilber… May 10, 1984… forever 34 (this is the first year for her family to be without her, so a special hug from all of us)
The special song I wrote for our children’s birthdays I Remember Well can be heard here. (It is the song that plays in the background of the birthday segment.)
Event page (where Laura is speaking)
Events can be found on the GPS Hope Facebook page (be sure to like/follow the page while you are there)
OR under the “resources” tab at www.gpshope.org.
And please remember to Hold On Pain Eases; there is HOPE.
You are safe here. No masks needed…
Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is here to walk with parents through the darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
It is a safe place for anyone who has lost a child from this earth. There is no shame or judgement in where you are in this journey, including if you are struggling in your relationship with God or your faith has been completely shattered.
To have Laura come and speak or sing at your event, contact us at office@gpshope.org.
Thank you for remembering my daughter Sarah on her first birthday in heaven in this week’s podcast. So much food for thought in these podcasts – thank you for all you do for those of us who are going through the loss of our children.
You are so very welcome! I am glad you got me the information to be able to do so. And glad you found us and connected.
Thank you Laura
The person I need to forgive is myself for all the…coulda woulda shoulda’s. Your words always bring me comfort.
The first time I listened to this podcast I wasn’t really listening to what was being said. I was too angry and that’s why I stopped listening to them but now I have started again listening to these podcasts. This is the first time I have actually listened and heard what was being said. As far as forgiving myself I don’t know if that will ever happen. I failed my son in every way as a mother. I should have been with him every day of his illness but instead I was working. I live in Georgia he lived in Florida. I should have quit my job and went to be with him but I didn’t and I will never forgive myself for that, Instead of me (his mother) he had to depend on his stepmother. And she is another person I am having a hard time forgiving. She tried in every way she could to push me out of my children’s lives. She succeeded some with Dominic but not the other three. Every other Christmas I would ask for Dominic to spend it with me and there was always an excuse why he couldn’t and his father did nothing to help me get Dominic for Christmas. He always backed her up. All the years we were divorced I got Dominic for one holiday (Thanksgiving) and one camping trip. The last punch she took at me was at Dominic’s memorial service. There was not one picture of me and Dominic anywhere in that church. They were all of her and Dominic, her, Dominic, his brothers, sister and their dad, or Dominic and his brothers and sister or Dominic and Meagan, his fiance. That hurt, it was like I never existed and was never part of Dominic’s life. I’m sorry to say this but I honestly hate that woman and I’m angry at my ex for never standing up for me and telling her that Dominic needed to spend time with me and also telling Dominic that he had to go spend time with me. There’s a lot more to this story but just know there is an enormous amount of hurt and there are other people also that I’m hurt and angry with and I’m not sure when I will be able to forgive them.
Vickie, you are in a very difficult place with so many reasons to be hurt and angry. I believe God knows this, and He also knows that all of our growth is a process. Just the fact that you are even willing to listen to this podcast series shows you are moving in the right direction in that process. I only have two thoughts right now about what you shared: First, don’t limit yourself, based on the anger and even hatred you feel toward anyone (including yourself) by saying you can’t do it. At least allow the door to be open to the possibility (including forgiving yourself, which is usually the hardest). Second, give yourself lots of grace in this process, especially with how early and fresh this is! Love and hugs!