Our actions are based on our emotions. The way we are acting (or reacting) to the death of our child is based on our emotions. Our emotions run very deep. There is so much pain. There is so much confusion. There is darkness and a feeling of hopelessness. That is normal and natural.
But I believe with everything in me that is not where we have to stay.
My emotions are driven by my thoughts. I can think things like I will never get past this or I will always feel this way. I know some parents even have the thought I don’t want to get past this, which is usually because they equate the pain of grieving their child with remembering their child. They are afraid if they quit hurting so much, they will forget their child.
This is a perfect example of how your beliefs drive your thoughts. If you believe that staying in your pain will keep the memory of your child alive, then you will continue in that emotional state of despair. You will not be able to live a life of peace, hope, and fullness (which includes living a life of meaning and purpose again, not in spite of your child’s death, but because of his or her life).
I’m trying to get you to believe that maybe, just maybe, it is possible to get past this suffocating darkness—to think if others have, maybe I can too.
I remember exactly when I grabbed hold of that belief; it was a turning point for me. I was standing in the cemetery, crying at my daughter, Becca’s, grave. I stood there and looked around at all those other tombstones.
I knew many of them were for children or young adults because I had spent many hours walking around reading the tombstones, including the dates, and figuring out how old they were when they were buried. I thought about how every single one of those tombstones had a story of the people who were left behind, who had grieved and mourned. Every one of those tombstones represented someone’s pain and loss.
It suddenly hit me that all these people (including those who had buried a child) somehow managed to get through it. And somehow, I could too. That realization planted a tiny seed of hope that I didn’t have to stay in this dark place, which gave me what I needed to slowly start working my way out of the black pit.
Believing the truth is just as powerful as believing a lie.
People do what they do, based on their feelings, because of what they believe. Most people live mainly out of their feelings, and feelings do not always equal the truth. To put that a different way, just because I have feelings about something, no matter how strong, does not mean my feelings are necessarily based on the truth.
To change your behavior, which is driven by your emotions, you must know and understand the truth. It is truth that will set you free. However, it can be a messy and painful process.
When God created us, He did an amazing thing. One of the ways He made us in His image is by allowing us to think our own thoughts. He does not control our thoughts, even though He could. He allows us to think He is the evil one.
I remember times when my kids blamed me for something and were angry at me when I wasn’t the one who caused the pain, or my decision was based on something I could see that they could not. It’s the same way with God. He allows us to have our own thoughts, even if we believe a lie about Him. That is how much He loves us. He doesn’t force us to trust Him or love Him. He lets it come from our own choice and our own thoughts.
Don’t let the enemy take the greatest 
pain and darkness you have ever faced and turn it into a lie that God doesn’t love you, or that He has turned His back on you.
One of the best ways to get out of the enemy’s sticky web is to still your soul, quiet your own thoughts, and ask God to give you His thoughts. You need to be transformed—totally changed—by the renewing of your mind (Romans 12:2). Allow God’s thoughts to speak softly to you in the depths of your being to set you free from the turmoil. Sit quietly in His presence, letting His thoughts reprogram your thinking.
What you focus on is what you will grow. So, if you continue to focus on the pain and loss, it will grow until it is ready to consume you and overtake you. But if instead you think about, focus on, and give thanks for what or who you still have, that is what will begin to grow, and eventually it will bring you out of that deep dark place.
You may not think so right now, but you can get to the place where you celebrate your child’s life, instead of being stuck in the pain of their death. The question is: Where are you rooting and grounding your thoughts? If it can happen for me, and countless other pareavors who thought that was impossible, it can happen to you.
Do you need help with your thoughts? Are you looking for a connection that will give you hope? Let Laura send you her Weekly Word of Hope, delivered each Wednesday. (Your email address is safe with GPS Hope.)
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Thank you for this important truth! Right now, only 2 months out from our son’s very sudden and unexpected death, the freshest memories in my mind are of his last terrible days and nights in ICU. And his very last moments as we said goodbye. I WANT to recall all the happy, joyful times, but my mind seems to go to those dark memories instead. How do I change my thinking?? I don’t want to get stuck there…
it baffles me how seemingly intelligent bereaved parents believe in any religion or being
at peace with their child s death , eventually. Especially after the horrific way my child died, killed by a monster+dumped
like garbage in a ditch +found by cops after 6 weeks. where was religion when my child died?
I wasnt prepared +no1 is prepared for sudden death in that way. Even if a parent thinks they r
prepared, (ie, illness.cancer etc) the trauma is still too great as your child shouldnt die 1st.
stop trying to shove religion down peoples throats as it dosent help. nothing does +the loss
gets worse as years pass.
a confirmed ATHEIST
Oh Geena, I can FEEL the agony in your post. I am so sorry for the terrible way your child was taken from you. But I have another friend, a VERY intelligent and strong Christ-following woman who lost her beautiful daughter in a very similar way. If she was responding to you right now, her words would go something like this… “God has my sweet girl right now in a place of pure light and unspeakable glory. She is far out of reach of her killer and at total peace. Because of my hope in Jesus (not a religion, but a real PERSON!), I WILL be reunited with her one day. And THAT is why I can function and not completely lose my mind.”
I pray that one day you too can know this sure hope. You are in my prayers, Geena…
Another grieving mama
I am so sorry for your loss. I myself lost a child. My child was my first born and the one who named me mom. I do understand the pain you are feeling. My son has been gone just a year. I can tell you that my belief in Jesus Christ is the only way I am getting through this type of horrible pain. The promise of heaven and being with my son again keeps me alive. I’m not trying to push religion on you and I could never except that there is no god! I even understand people going through this get mad at god. Jesus understands and he has promised that we will understand fully all the things we don’t one day. Myself, without god this life has no purpose. With god I find abundant purpose. I’m sorry you are suffering and I hope you can one day feel better.
Every grieving parent has the right to grieve in their own way. My personal experience is I could not survive this pain and grief if I thought this was all there is. You come, you go and that’s the end of the story. How heartbreaking is that? Do you truly think God is behind the evil going on in this world today? The devil reins in this world until Jesus comes back. God shows you love every day. If you don’t see it, it’s because you choose not to see it. I’m not here to shove religion down anyone’s throat. I’m here to pray we all find peace with the death of our precious children. Just as Laura is here to support us all through this tragedy. Signed- an intelligent Christian grieving parent.
Everyone is entitled to feel their own way about the passing of their precious child. For My Family we are heartbroken after our beautiful son Marc was hit by a car 2 years ago aged just 18 years old. Believe me I have felt all the emotions mentioned above, and sat in the darkest of places sometimes
wondering will I actually be able to survive this and look after my family. I could have devoted my time to hating on people who were present the night Marc was knocked down and also the man who knocked him down and believe me there have been days when I have struggled to have one positive thought about said people. Believe me I have felt all the emotions mentioned above, and sat in the darkest of places, However I personally chose not to let these people consume my every thought because it is so toxic in what is already a nightmare of a time for me and my husband and living sons and such a damaging example to our sons that this is the way forward to spend your life consumed with hate for these people. I personally think forgiveness is not me saying I’m OK with what you did, forgiveness is me chosing not to let these dark thoughts consume me. I chose to trust in God that he somehow had a plan for Marc and I’m not always happy with him about that plan but I pray everyday for Marc and for my family regardless because I believe when I myself go to heaven and am reunited with Marc I will understand why, maybe their will be no explanation but I will be so overwhelmed with the joy of having my son in my arms I’ll not dwell on the whys and what for. So I personally chose to pray always for Marc and I chose to speak of him often, life is hard enough without letting all the hatred consume us and honestly there are days when I feel like prayers are all I’ve got and they are like Meditation to me so when I pray and I get that calm feeling in heart and soul I tell myself I am being protected by our Lord and Marc to assist me to cope. I wish everyone on this earth would just sit down in front of an alter or a statue of our lady even and clear their mind of all the day to day things that invade our thoughts and just pray a simple prayer and focus on nothing else and they will feel the peace that can he found in that. I have more business in heaven now than ever before because that’s where My son is and I will not stop praying for Marc and My Family here on earth no matter what, not for one day, until I meet him again for eternity 🙏 💙 🙏