Who Am I Now Without My Child?

When our child dies, it can make us feel like our very identity has been lost.

You see, a very important benefit of Christianity is the tremendous sense of identity we have that comes from knowing Jesus Christ in a very personal way. As we grow in knowing Him, we grow in that identity. We grow in knowing how much God loves us, and how each one of us is created uniquely, for a special purpose.

All of that comes crashing down around us. It seems we only thought we knew who God was, and that if He really did create us for a special purpose, He was very cruel in that purpose for us.

Families also give us a sense of identity and purpose. Once again, when our child leaves this earth before we do, it shatters our sense of identity as a parent and our purpose in that role (even if we have other children).

Believe it or not, the worst tragedy of my life brought one of my greatest revelations. For quite a while after Becca died, I could only see myself as a mom who had lost her child.  The intense grief was suffocating.  My huge loss did become what I allowed to define me as a person.

The first year was such a fog. The second year the fog started to lift, which actually caused even more intense pain, as the reality that my daughter was no longer here on earth started to hit hard.  The third year became a painful resignation of trying to figure out who I am with that piece of my life stripped from me.

Since everything was such a blur for so long, I can’t tell you when or how it happened, but by the grace of God, I finally had a breakthrough of understanding that my identity was not tied to my circumstance of being a grieving mother.

And also by the grace of God, that started to release an even deeper revelation; that my identity is not based on anything but who Christ is in me – that hope of glory.

You see, most of us have somewhat of a grasp that we are in Christ.  But it is extremely rare to hear anyone talk about how we also need to live from the revelation that God, in all of His glory, is living inside of us.  Yes, we know that in our heads, but do we really get what that means?

When Jesus died, His blood was sprinkled on the mercy seat in heaven once and for all, on our behalf.  God’s very presence no longer remained behind a curtain, which is why the veil was torn in two from top to bottom!

We are no longer separated from God by a curtain. Those who accept the work of the blood of Jesus are seen as righteous (right with God) and the very being of God dwells, or “tabernacles” , inside of us.  WE are now the temple where God’s Spirit rests.

That means we don’t have to try to reach “out there” somewhere, trying to get ahold of God.  When we believe in the price Jesus paid for us on the cross, His Spirit comes to live, or dwell, inside of us.

We only have to quiet ourselves and listen to Him from within our own spirit.   I can live from a place of rest, knowing He is inside of me and will comfort me deeply, and guide me with His wisdom and loving kindness.

God has so much to say to us – to you, and to me.  And much of it has to do with who He is inside of us, and how to live from that place of rest and identity in Him.  It isn’t about what I do or don’t do. It isn’t about what has happened to me. It is all about who I am, with God Himself residing inside of me.

In order to go forward in the fullness of God’s identity in us, we have to let go of our own identity.  The one that has been shattered, by the death of our child. How do we do that?

One way, is to do something God told us to do.   “Be still and know that I am God” (Ps. 46:10).  Another version of the Bible says, “Stop your striving and recognize that I am God” (NET).  I think some of us hesitate to do that because we are afraid God wants to tell us everything we are doing wrong.  Or we are so angry at Him, that the last thing we want to do is sit still in His presence and let Him love on us. I mean if He really truly loved us, He would not have let our child die, right?

But when we choose to come to God, not based on what we feel towards Him, but on what we so desperately need from Him (comfort, peace, wholeness, etc.) it opens the door to the breakthrough we are crying out for; who am I now with my child taken from this earth?

I truly believe more than anything, God just wants to love on us.  But we won’t know that for ourselves, until we come to Him in the stillness within our hearts to hear Him speak to us and feel the warmth of that love in the depths of our soul.  The more aware we become of His Spirit living fully in us, bringing healing to our deeply wounded hearts, the less aware we become of our own shattered identity.

Let me ask you something.  When you “go to the feet of Jesus” where do you see yourself?  At the cross?  That is a place of forgiveness, which has already been given to us.

Jesus isn’t on the cross.  He is sitting on a throne at the right hand of the Father (Heb. 12:2).  We are told that is where we are seated as well – in heavenly places in Christ Jesus (Eph. 2:6).  And, that is where my daughter is, and your child as well. (And if you struggle with not knowing if that is true for your daughter or son, )

When I started seeing myself at the feet of Jesus at the throne, which is where He is now, it put me in a totally different place of identity!  His throne is a place of majesty, power, and authority.  His throne is a place of glory, and my daughter is right there, seeing it all with her own eyes! That makes me want to live from that place of identity even more.

I don’t want my identity to come from where Becca was, but where she is now. I don’t want my identity to be “my daughter died”, but “my daughter is alive”!

I understand that it takes time to get to that place. I know full well that we are each traveling our own journey of grief after the death of our child. I know it takes way longer than we want it to, and the darkness closes in on us, whether we want it to or not.

But I also know there is light on the other side of the darkness. I am here to poke a hole in that darkness so that a glimmer of hope can get through; so that eventually you, too, can have one of the deepest, most fulfilling revelations possible on this earth; so that your identity is not based on earthly circumstances, but on who Christ is IN YOU.

Much of this article was taken from Laura’s book, Triple Crown Transformation. Would you like to hear Laura, herself, read it as an audio book? Let us send you an MP3 download, available for free until April 1, 2017. (After April 1^st, it will be available for purchase in our web store.)

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or speaker click here.