With the death of our child comes such intense darkness. Most of us lose our desire to live. We know it sounds crazy, especially those of us who have other children, spouses we love deeply, careers we enjoy, and so on. But we just feel so lost and helpless when our child leaves this earth. There are no words to adequately describe the depth of our pain and darkness, confusion and turmoil.

We must go through the grieving and mourning process. We cannot go around it. And it always takes  so much longer than we want it to, or think it will. I remember two years in saying, “I just want to stop hurting so bad!”. Since that time, I have had several pareavors (bereaved parents) tell me the same thing.

There are two things that I have found which help with this process. I won’t say they necessarily speed it up, but they seem to ease the pain as we move forward to a place of hope and light again.

1. Don’t isolate yourself. I am not talking about doing things like going to church, or family events. I am talking about spending time with other pareavors, who are further down this road than you are.

It took me almost three years before I spent time with other bereaved moms. At first, it was because I couldn’t find anyone in my area who had lost a child and was reaching out to those of us who had just recently faced the same devastation. Then, after a while, I didn’t want to. I was a mess, and I didn’t want to be in a group of people who were a mess like me! I didn’t want to sit around crying and boohooing with others about our children dying, feeling even worse when I left than when I arrived.

As I was coming up on the three-year anniversary of Becca’s death, I made myself go to a conference I heard about in a nearby state. It was a three-hour drive, and I had to arrive the night before. Sitting in my hotel room by myself, my hotel phone rang. It was Lynn Breeden, the host of the event, asking me if I wanted to join her and her team for dinner. I was scared. I was depressed. Everything in me screamed, “RUUUUUUN!” But I found myself saying yes, and heading downstairs.

I was immediately embraced with warmth and love and acceptance. I felt like a long-lost sister! I am tearing up right now, just thinking about it.

That weekend was a huge turning point in my taking steps toward healing. I discovered it was actually comforting to be around a group of people who were a mess like me. And we didn’t just sit around and cry. We shared our children with each other, we laughed, we heard words of hope and encouragement, and yes, there were tears. But when they came, I didn’t have to explain or make excuses. Everyone there completely understood.

All that to say, don’t be afraid to connect with other pareavors, especially those who can be a guide, walking with you out of your darkness and back into a place of hope and light again. And if there are no groups in your area, there are many ways to connect online with us or others who are doing just that.

2. Find a cause. Don’t let the death of your child be wasted. What was something he or she strongly believed in? Can you do something to fight their cause of death to prevent others from going through what you are going through? Did they have a favorite sport or activity that you can get behind, raising and donating money or starting a scholarship fund in his or her name?

When Becca died, I tried to find books and online groups to help pull me out of the suffocating darkness, but so much of what was out there was despair and hopelessness, telling me that life would never be the same and never be worth living. I had a hard time with that.

While I knew my life would never be the same, I also knew I had the Seed of Hope living inside of me. He was not blindsided by her death like I was. Even though it made no sense to me and the pain was beyond what I even thought was possible, I knew He had to have a plan. I was determined to be like Jacob, wrestling with Him and not letting go until I could see some sort of a blessing from this horror!

And I did! One night I woke up in the middle of the night with a book title and ideas for chapters. I got up and wrote it down, and shortly after, started on my first book. One day at a conference, I ended up in a conversation with a New York publisher who asked me to send what I had his way, and five weeks later was offered a contract for When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child. Once I started writing, it was like a dam inside of me burst, as I published five books in only thirteen months.

During this time, people I didn’t even know started reaching out to me to help them with the loss of their child (and a couple of friends who suffered losses shortly after us). I realized I did not want other parents to have the same struggle I had after Becca’s death, only finding darkness and hopelessness. So, Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) was founded.

We recently had the blessing of spending some time with Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan. He was so very gracious, and thanked us for reaching out in our pain to other grieving parents. We were also able to make him aware of the Parental Bereavement Leave Act in committee right now, which is a needed amendment to the FMLA, allowing twelve weeks of unpaid leave for grieving parents (like it does when a child is born or adopted).

I have been in complete awe that in only two short years, between my books and speaking, I have been able to touch literally thousands of grieving parents with hope, after the death of their child.

I can’t even begin to describe what all of this has done for me in the healing process! And I am convinced from the dozens of parents I have talked to directly, reaching out of your pain to help someone else will do the same for you.

As I shared in the beginning, we must all go through the grieving and mourning process. We cannot go around it. And it always takes so much longer than we want it to, or think it will. I want to encourage you, if you are like I was, crying out “I just want to stop hurting so bad!”, find a way to do these two things, and you will be on your way to making that happen.

I would love for you to meet my precious friend, Pastor Lynn Breeden, whom I mentioned above. She was one of the speakers at our recent online conference (Virtual Summit for Bereaved Parents). To watch the session “Does it Ever Get Better?” submit your name and email below, and we will send you a link to unlock this bonus session from our Virtual Summit.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

 

Unexpected, unforeseen, without warning, that day altered my life forever. At age 36, my daughter and only child died. Some people predicted I would not survive. I wasn’t sure myself. I would not have thought it possible. And yet, somehow, from somewhere inside me, arose a strength I had no idea I possessed, and I rose from the ashes like a phoenix. How? What’s my secret? How can a mother not only survive, but thrive, after the unimaginable happens? Four things are absolutely crucial.

1.Hold onto Hope
Some days, less than a smidgeon of hope is all I have to hold on to, yet I cling to it like a drowning person to a life raft. I clench my hands around hope like a climber hanging by a thread on the side of a mountain; I hope for good. I hope for a future that’s not as dismal as my fears project. Jeremiah 29:11 promises that my future will be good, and I hold God to His Word. I mix faith with words and speak of good, not evil. I project hope into the future.

2. Trust
I choose to be confident in the goodness and faithfulness of God. What happened wasn’t God’s fault. It wasn’t because God failed. If I want to blame someone or something, I turn my anger on the devil. He’s the one who brings disease, destruction, and death, not God. God is the One who comforts me, strengthens me, helps me–daily, hourly, even minute-by-minute. He keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. He is faithful and trustworthy to be my light in the darkness, my peace in the storm, and my comfort in deep sorrow.

3. Expect Good
In spite of what happened, I expect good. I lean into Romans 8:28 until it’s absorbed into my soul like healing ointment absorbed into a wound. I expect God to turn tragedy into triumph, no matter how horrible I feel or how bleak everything appears. I expect good from the goodness of God’s heart.

4. Be Thankful
I am thankful for how God has proven faithful amid this great loss. I’m thankful for all the daily miracles of His grace and blessings. I’m thankful for His tenderness and compassion, for giving me songs in the night, for the tears He sheds side-by-side with me, and for glimpses of the substantial reality of heaven and its glory. As I begin to give thanks, my eyes are opened to see that His blessings are more numerous than the sands on the seashore. But, I can walk blindly right past His blessings without noticing them, if I’m not cultivating a thankful heart.

The ability to rise from the ashes of devastating loss is not innately within me. I didn’t pull strength or hope out of a hat. I seriously would not have survived apart from God’s grace and through cooperating with God in these four significant ways–expecting good, holding on to hope, trusting, and being thankful. Otherwise, I would absolutely crumble under the weight of sorrow. But, God is greater than tragedy. He is greater than loss and greater than sorrow. His greatness lives within me and causes me to triumph.

Sara Nelson is a hobby writer, former teacher, coffee-drinker, nature-lover, optimist, encourager, and smile-bringer, and part of the GPS Hope family. She is also a big fan of My Grief Journey Coloring Book and Journal. Here is something that was recently posted in our My Grief Journey private page.

If you would like this page of HOPE to color, just let us know below, and we will send it to you right away. We will also include the written page that goes with it.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

When I go to the cemetery to visit my daughter’s gravesite, I see many tombstones closer to the front of the cemetery that never have any decorations or any visitors.  Why?  Because they have been there for so long that no one knows who they are to miss them.

The truth is, whether I like it or not, many years down the road, that will also be the case with my daughter’s grave, and mine, and yours, and everyone we love.

If you are like me, I have no idea who my great-great-grandparents were.  I have the names of some of them, but never actually met them.  I knew some of my great-grandparents in my childhood days, and even fewer of their siblings.

It can make me cringe and feel sick to my stomach when I think about the possibility of people forgetting Becca. I don’t care so much if they remember me, but I want them to know who my children are when I am gone. I am guessing you are the same way.

So what do we do? How can we make our children more than just a tombstone in a cemetery? How can we let others know our child was here, and make sure his or her legacy outlives us, even when their time here on earth did not?

The first thing is getting to a point where we want to live in a way that honors the life of our child. Our grief is real. The suffocating darkness takes over, and we have no choice. But at some point (often two  or three years down the road) we see a glimmer of hope that we actually can have a full life beyond the death of our child. When we begin to realize that, we have a choice to make. Am I going to live out my life in a way of hopelessness and despair that honors the death of my child, or am I going to find a way to rise above this darkness and live my life in a way that honors the life of my child?

I hope you can see that choosing to remain in a place of darkness and bitterness, which keeps us from living out our own lives, will not serve the purpose of honoring the life our child was given, no matter how short it may have been.

Once we make the decision emotionally to fight to come out of the dark pit of grief, so that we can find a way to honor the life of our son or daughter, we can begin to see how to do that in a practical way. (And let me add that I am not talking about the sadness and waves of grief that will overtake us at times for the rest of our lives. I am talking about choosing not to remain in that place of suffocating darkness when we start seeing hope and light again.)

Here are just a few thoughts:

• A memorial brick – our local Rotary Gardens has a memory lane where this can be done, as well as Lambeau Field (where the Green Bay Packers play, a team of which Becca and our family are avid fans)
• A bench on a trail – we have an “ice age” trail through our entire state, and people can have a bench put along the path with a plaque honoring the memory of a loved one
• A tree in a park – there are many parks that would love to have a beautiful tree planted and will allow an “In Loving Memory Of…” plaque to be placed at the foot of it

All three of these can be a second place you can go to remember your son or daughter; a place that will help you reflect on memories of their life, as opposed to being in a cemetery (or staring at their ashes in an urn) which tends to cause more painful thoughts of their death.

My husband, Dave, and I had the opportunity to do something quite different.  I was a leader in an international ministry for many years, which has taken me to Africa several times.  This has given me connections and friends in several African countries.  Dave and I wanted to find a way to better the lives of others, as a way to honor Becca and keep her memory alive. We gave money to some friends who lived in the extremely poor country of Burundi. They passed the money on to a family to start a little kiosk type store to support their family.  As far as we know, their business is still going and bringing this family in Burundi, Africa, hope and life!

Someday, all of us who are alive right now will be long gone, and eventually, no one will be left who knew us.  But there are things we can do to make sure our children will be thought of and remembered by many, extending beyond our own lives when we leave this earth to join them.

I refuse to let Becca become nothing more than an undecorated tombstone when I leave this earth. I am going to make sure her life and legacy live on for others.

How about you?

If you would like more ideas on ways to honor your child, just fill in your first name and email address, and we will send it to you. (Be assured, your email address stays with us and is not given out.)

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

 

Some may look at this picture of a frog and see a frog. But, for me, this picture has a whole other meaning!

It all started when one of my best friends was diagnosed with stomach cancer. She was several years older than I, but I loved her as my sister! We always laughed together, shared life together, and we could talk to each other about anything! She was the perfect friend in so many ways. Then the cancer came…

The day she had her first biopsy done, I had to be there for her. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. I know she would have done the same for me. I prayed the whole time I was in the waiting room. For weeks before this, she would tell me things about her health, and I would tell her that she needed to consult with a doctor; I just knew something was wrong! But she was bullheaded, and insisted that she didn’t need to see a doctor. Then, here we are waiting to see if she had cancer. I really, honestly couldn’t believe that we were at this point…cancer is such a scary word!

A few days after her biopsy, she heard the word “cancer” for the first time in her life. If it had been me, I would have fallen apart at that time in my life. But for Irene, it was a totally different story. She had complete faith in God that He would get her through this!

Every time I would ask her if she was afraid, she would always tell me, “Why would I be afraid? I serve a Big God, and He loves me! He’ll walk me through this! I fully rely on Him!” And she truly meant it! She went through some of the hardest times she’s ever been through once she began chemo. She struggled with much pain and sickness! But each time I would ask her how she was doing, she would always remind me that God was walking with her and she would get through this! Her faith in Him was amazing, and so encouraging! She was able to witness to many people during this time. God used her in ways she never dreamed of before, through this ugly word called cancer.

Irene died less than two years after her diagnosis. The day before she died, I went to see her. She was pretty much out of it, and was unable to talk to me, let alone know that I was there. As I stood by her bed, I held her hand and thanked her for being such a strong influence of FAITH in my life! She truly showed me what it meant to F.R.O.G., (Fully Rely On God) even during the toughest of times!

Life is hard. There are no promises that it won’t be. Life happens, and sometimes the things in life that happen are very hard! We keep thinking there is NO way that we will ever get through it. But, my faith today tells me that as long as I have God in my life, I can get through anything. He will always be there with me to walk me through the darkest of times. He will never leave nor forsake me. Even when we don’t feel Him, He is still there, watching over us!

Maybe the next time you see what looks like a silly little frog, it’s actually God’s way of reminding you that He is with you, and that you can fully rely on Him!

Christi Wilson is the Administrative Assistant for GPS Hope, and also a fellow pareavor, having faced the loss of a child during pregnancy. You can find her at www.AtHomewithChristi.com.

 

To have a printable list of 36 Scriptures of Hope sent directly to you, just fill in your first name and email address, and we will get it right out.

 

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

Did you know that 370 sets of parents (740 people) lose a child age 40 and under daily in the US (based on 2011 statistics) and that does not count pregnancy loss? Sixty-five babies die every day in their mother’s womb.

You would think with numbers that high, our culture would know what to do, where to turn for help and support, and how to grieve and allow such deep grief. Sadly, that is not the case.

Those who have lost a child from this earth will say they wouldn’t even want their enemies to go through such horrific pain and suffocating darkness. Most bereaved parents I know have these five beliefs in common:

1. No grieving parent should feel alone, isolated and abandoned.
2. All grieving parents should be able to quickly and easily connect with other bereaved parents for encouragement.
3. Any parent who has had a child die, and his or her faith in God has been shaken, should have a safe place to share their hurts, doubts and anger without judgment or being shunned by other Christians.
4. Those around bereaved parents need to know how to give true comfort and support (which includes physical and emotional), and treat it as the long process it is, instead of an event.
5.  Even before a parent loses a child, they should already be aware of who they can contact for support in their pain and confusion if their own child leaves this earth.

Almost every bereaved parent I have ever met believes these things. But unfortunately, that is not reality.

So, that leads to the question, “Is there anything we can do to help this become reality in today’s world?”

I believe strongly the answer is a firm “YES”!

How?

By prayer, by perseverance, and by people.

Prayer can be a tough one. After all, we pray for our children, especially for God’s protection. Since He didn’t protect our child from death, why should we bother praying?

Because the purpose of prayer isn’t to make God into a magic genie and get whatever we want from Him. Prayer is communicating with Him, both talking and listening. Prayer is laying things before Him, and allowing Him to be God, trusting that He can see what we cannot see, and that He knows what we do not know. Prayer opens doors. It opens the doors of our hearts. No matter what happens, we need to communicate to our Father, and continue to have conversations with Him.

Perseverance means to keep moving forward, no matter how difficult the obstacles or how long it takes.

I don’t know about you, but I am in this for the long haul. Not just to exist until I leave this earth and join my daughter, Becca, but to walk with other grieving parents, giving them hope in their place of darkness. I am determined to find ways around the obstacles that show up. I don’t plan on quitting when I get discouraged. For these five things to become a reality, it requires determination and commitment, and I have both. I hope you do, too.

That leaves the last one – people.  The adage that we are stronger together than by ourselves is very true in this situation. If you haven’t yet, I encourage you to join forces with those who not only share these beliefs, but are acting on making them a reality. When we do, each of us becomes part of something that is bigger than any one of us can ever be by ourselves.

I love to pray, and I have perseverance. But I am only one person. For those five beliefs to become a reality, I need to join other people who desire to see these beliefs become a reality and are ready to help complete the task with their own prayers and perseverance.

I personally believe this is not just a hope or a dream; it is a movement. A movement that one day, our culture will acknowledge that grief is not something we “get over” like a bad cold.

Do you believe? Can you pray? Are you willing to persevere? Then let’s work at this together, to make these five beliefs a reality.

 

 

If you would like to connect with Laura Diehl and Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) submit your first name and email address below. We will send you a printable copy of the Five Beliefs of Bereaved Parents. You will also have access to our GPS Hope library with lots of useful information and helpful tools for your grief journey.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

 

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.