When death takes our child from us, we can be surprised and even scared at how much anger there is inside of us. It can be even more shocking to realize who the cause of our anger is, as it is often not just someone who was directly involved in our child’s death (like a drunk driver or an actual murderer). We can also be angry at
- Our family and friends for telling us things like we need to “just get over it”
- Someone indirectly related to the death (like a spouse or babysitter for not keeping a closer eye on our child)
- Ourselves (if only I had…)
- God (why didn’t you stop it?)
- Our child for leaving us
Did I just say that? Yes, if you are angry at your child, let me say as awful as that sounds, you can breathe a sigh of relief because it is NORMAL! Especially if the death was by his or her own doing, either directly or indirectly.
And if you are angry at God right now, that’s also typical. We all know God could have stopped it. I have so many testimonies of times in Becca’s life when He did step in and miraculously spared her life. So why didn’t he do it again on October 12, 2011?
There is no answer that will satisfy that 
question. Even if God reveals the answer this side of heaven, it won’t be a good enough reason. I would find myself acting like a teenager, telling my Dad it isn’t fair, and that His answer isn’t a good enough one to cause this kind of anguish and pain in my life.
So how do we get past that kind of anger and blame? Is it even possible?
Yes, it is, but it is a choice we must make. This choice is not based on our feelings. It is not based on if that person deserves it. It is based on the fact that I don’t want to stay in this suffocating darkness any longer, and I will do whatever it takes to step toward hope and light for my life.
Dennis Apple, who was a pastor when his son died, shares in his book Life After the Death of My Son how he was disappointed and angry with God. Dennis says he was “hanging out near the back door of my faith,” and for a long time he refused to say or sing the phrase, “God is good all the time.”
How did he get past that? Dennis states as he came to a crossroads, he asked himself a couple of questions: Do I believe there’s a sovereign God who knows and sees all, including my suffering over the loss of our son? Am I going to trust in this sovereign God whom I don’t always understand? After wrestling with these questions for a long time, he was able to say through painful tears, “Yes, I believe in Him, and yes I will trust Him”.
His wife Beulah also made a conscious decision after several years of deep grief. Did she want to remain in this same dark place she had been in for almost five years, or did she want to come out of it and make the best of her life and her family that was still here? She chose to “lay aside the garment of grief and mourning, sweep up the ashes that surrounded her, and go on.” It was a turning point for both her, and their marriage.
Angela Alexander, Executive Producer of the documentary movie Miracles in Action, based on her book with the same title, believes one of the keys to getting past the anger is to share with others. “We overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony,” Revelation 12:11.
“What testimony?” you ask? The one God is still writing in your life. Angela has had to overcome the death of two brothers, the loss of a baby during pregnancy, a husband who miraculously survived a brain aneurysm (only to have to learn how to do everything again from eating, talking and walking), a brother murdering their sister who was Angela’s life-long very best friend, and then the death of two of her sons in a bizarre car accident (while she was on military duty in Japan). Wow! How can she possibly write a book titled Miracles in Action after all of that?
Because Angela believes a testimony comes from being tested, and that we can come out the other side filled with God’s love, forgiveness and mercy, which are truly miracles in action.
However, in the time of deep dark testing
for the testimony, we have to grasp the truth that our anger and unforgiveness can block God’s blessings from us. Too often we think by remaining angry at someone, we are holding them hostage. But forgiveness is actually a gift you give to yourself. You will remain a prisoner of your anger until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change. And that means making the choice to forgive, and releasing yourself from your crippling emotional prison.
And don’t believe the saying, “Forgive and forget.”
Angela readily admits, “Some pain you won’t forget, but through forgiveness, understanding, and love, you can remember the events from a different perspective.”
The founder of Grief, Grace and Gratitude and author of Grief: A Mama’s Unwanted Journey, Shelley Ramsey talks about how angry she got at how other people treated her after the death of her son that she basically isolated herself for five years. How does Shelley recommend getting past that place of anger? If you are angry, let God have it! Yell at Him. “Go outside and scream at the top of your lungs. Say whatever you need to say. Cry as long and as hard as you want. Throw something if you need to.” He can take it! And then, ask Him to bring people into your life who will hold you, cry with you, and remember your child with you.
I address the issue of anger in several of my books as well. In My Grief Journey: A Coloring Book and Journal for Grieving Parents, here is what I wrote about the word anger:
There are a few who don’t get angry at God, but most parents who have lost a child through death definitely feel this emotion toward Him. And it’s okay. He can take it. Yell at Him; have it out with Him!
Yes, He could have moved His hand and stopped the death of your child and mine. But He didn’t do it, for reasons we cannot see or understand.
Most often, our anger at God comes when we think of our loss more than our child’s gain; our pain keeps us from trusting that God can see the big picture, and knows something we don’t know.
There are others we can be angry with as well, for all kinds of reasons.
It is okay to be angry, and to work through it. But for your own sake, please don’t camp out in this place.
Dennis, Shelly and Angela are speakers at the Hope & Healing Virtual Summit, that you can watch on video in your own home via the internet, along with sixteen more sessions with other bereaved parents who are speakers, authors, grief experts and founders of grief organizations and ministries.
Click here for more information on the Hope & Healing Virtual Summit.
Lost my 22 year old only child daughter to a drunk driving accident, not her driving 7 years ago. Doing pretty well now but still so much rage toward a declining world and my motherhood being ripped away.
Oh Robin, I am so very sorry!!! My heart goes out to you…
Thank you for this article. I thought I was such a horrible person for being so angry at God. It helps to know I’m not alone. I lost my 42 year old daughter to cancer about 5 weeks ago. 51 days after she was told she had cancer, and most of that time I stayed with her and took care of her, she was gone. Such a fast and rapid decline. I’m sad, depressed, exhausted and angry. I hate this new life!
Nancy, I am so very sorry! You summed it up pretty well for all of us! You are so very early in this journey… anything under 5 years for the death of a child is considered fresh grief, so go easy on yourself for sure. Take it one day, one minute, one breath at a time if that is what you need to do.
Thank you.
I know now that I have pitched a tent and I’ve been camping out these past 3 1/2 years. And recently it has taken me into the utter darkness of a forest that no one should try to camp in. I feel like I’m leaving and walking away from my son if I try and find my way back. But I can not stay here in hell, and be alive. I have to get back. Or I will die a agonizing death. Maybe take others with me. I dont know how to mother my 10 year old son now. Or how to be a wife. I’m just angry. All the time.
Cindy, so many of us believe the anger, darkness and sorrow is what keeps us connected to our child. But eventually we figure out that just isn’t true. Fighting your way out of that place will connect you to him in a way that is so much better. Three and a half years is still early in this journey and where you are is quite normal. It sounds like you are getting to the point where your anger is too exhausting to continue in it. Just keep pushing through, one day, one minute at a time, and you will start seeing a glimmer of light and hope. And do not let yourself feel guilty for it when that happens! I have a feeling your son would feel terrible, knowing you felt guilty for learning how to live here without him. If it was reversed, you wouldn’t want him to stop living his life because you were gone. Give yourself lots of grace in this journey. I hope you stay connected to us here at GPS Hope, so we can walk with you!
MY daughter died one week before Thanksgiving 2019 and left five young children. We were estranged for eleven years but I didn’t know she had a life threatening medical condition; nor did I know my heart would be permanently broken.
Embrace your family and don’t take anyone for granted.
How painful… I am so very sorry! You are at the very beginning of this long journey. I hope you can give yourself lots of grace. Extra tight hugs! I hope you connect with us at GPS Hope so we can walk with you. http://www.gpshope.org
Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone. I am still trying to move past the anger, my son was 1 day shy of 6 months when he was taken from me. Next month it will be 6 years. I am trying to move on for my other 5 boys but every happy day is also a sad one because he is not here.
Brittany, it is such a long journey. I am so sorry… I hope you stay connected with GPS Hope so we can walk this together, and that soon the happiness will begin to outweigh the sadness. It is not betraying our children to let go of the intense pain of missing them. (Some of us think our pain is what keeps us connected to them.) It is our love that keeps us connected, and learning how to live a life of meaning and purpose, not in spite of their death, but because of his or her life. Hugs!!!!
My girl died in 2019. The anger comes a lot not towards God but her husband. He contributed to her death. She left behind two boys. . It was an accidentally overdose. Her sons never got to say goodbye . He didn’t let them at the hospital were she was on life support for four days nor her viewing or her funeral. We have been so close to our grandsons. We had totaled him to court for rights to see the boys. Still in the process. The anger with him and the grieving of myself and for them is so unbearable a lot of the days.
Oh Kim, my heart goes out to you! What a lot to have to deal with on top of her loss. Two years is still very fresh. I hope you have connected with us here at GPS Hope so we can walk this journey with you.
I’m sitting here tonight reading this article through tears because a lot of what I read here makes sense and I have found some comfort here. I lost my son last year in a car accident, 3 days before his 25th birthday. I have served, loved & faithfully followed God practically all of my life. But after losing my son, I feel my faith got lost right along with him. Our family no longer goes to church, I have stopped praying, listening to Christian music and following my daily devotion routine that I had for years. I question whether I really had genuine faith to begin with? Exactly what was it based on? Because now I am so angry at God I cannot bear to even talk about or sing or hear about Him. I am in a dark place and I am so ashamed of myself. No matter how hard I try, I cannot stop feeling betrayed by the God who didn’t seem to hear and keep my prayers to protect my most precious treasure on earth, my first born son. I am so very sad and disappointed.
Oh Summer, my heart goes out to you! It shatters everything we thought we knew about a God whom we are told loves us. I hope you connect with me here at GPS Hope so we can walk this unwanted and horrible journey together. The Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast seems to help a lot of greiving parents, as well as my Weekly Word of Hope. Just go to gpshope.org/hope to request to start receiving it. If it is not helpful, you can easily unsubsrcribe.