“How can I trust a God who says He loves us and yet allowed this terrible thing to happen to me and my child?” This is a question many grieving parents have.
When everything is going great and I am getting all my prayers answered the way I want, it is easy to believe that God is faithful, and that He is good, and to choose to trust Him with my life. But it is totally different to still believe He is faithful and good and to continue to trust Him when something horrible happens, like the death of my child.
If you are like me, for many years I was a “good Christian” and “claimed the promises of God” like praying protection over my family. And I saw Him answer those prayers over and over again. So when my daughter, Becca, died, does that mean God didn’t keep His promises, that He is not faithful and that I can no longer trust Him?
This is a huge topic, but for the sake of keeping it short and readable for this blog, I am only going to share five quick thoughts.
First let me say that our perspective has everything to do with how this question is answered, which probably shifted drastically at a time when we needed God more than ever in our lives.
So in order to shift our perspective again, either a new thought needs to be introduced and received, or an old one reclaimed. I suggest, even if you aren’t on speaking terms with God right now, that you pause to make sure your heart is open to these five things to help you make the needed shift, which will allow Him to carry you through the darkness and back into hope, light and a life worth living again.
1. Some parents are helped by the realization that their child is not missing; he or she is simply absent.
To be absent means not to be present for the moment. The Bible says that for someone who has accepted the gift of salvation, to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (2 Corinthians 5:8). We may have lost our child from this earth, but it is only a temporary loss. Becca is only absent from my presence for the rest of my time here on earth.
I can either focus on my personal loss that my child is permanently absent from 
this earth (which sends me in a downward spiral) or I can focus on the fact that my child is absent from my presence for now but is present with the Lord in glorious joy and perfection. And even though the pain is intense with the temporary separation, I will meet up with my child again in our eternal home, never to be separated again.
And if you are tormenting yourself with the thought that he or she might not have made it there, let me say you don’t know that. You don’t have all the information that God does, so choose to believe that your child made the right choice before death and were welcomed in the open arms of the Savior, instead of choosing to fear that God 
turned His back on him or her. Why wouldn’t God make one last split-second offer? He loves your child even more intensely than you do and paid the ultimate price of allowing His Son to be brutally murdered to pay the price needed for our sins, so that we can all to be together! If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is!
2. Reading the book of Psalms in the Bible can be extremely helpful.
Over and over the writer cries out for help from a very dark place of despair. And God responds by being a rock, a refuge and help in times of need. I spend a lot of time there when I “relapse” and find myself struggling with the pain and reality that Becca is gone from this earth and I won’t see her again until I join her in heaven.
3. Don’t try to hide from your fears or pretend they aren’t there.
God wants you to bring all your feelings to Him, including the dark and negative ones. You may be wondering, He knows these things already. Why should I have to tell Him how I am feeling? Because you need to admit those things, so you can give them to God and let Him work with you at being set free. If you do this persistently, those tormenting feelings of fear and anger will eventually lose their hold on you, and you will find yourself opening up once again to God’s love and faithfulness to you through the worst trial you have ever faced, and find yourself starting to trust Him again to get you through it somehow.
4. Find different promises you can hold up to God.
I have chosen to believe Romans 8:18 more now than I ever did, which tells me the sufferings of this present time cannot be compared with the glory that will be revealed in me. Knowing how great my suffering has been, that must be some incredible glory that will be revealed to me at some point!
How about the promise of Jesus telling us He will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5)? That is not a promise based on conditions. It is set and firm, no matter what we choose to do or not do or based on how we feel about Him.
He is our constant companion and source of everything we need during this time. The question is not “Where is God?” The question is “Where am I?” I can walk out on Him very easily, and many of us do. We ignore Him, as though He is no longer with us. That is never the case. Guess who moved away? (Hint: it’s not God.)
5. Remember that God always leads us into triumph.
During a worship song at church one day, I suddenly realized that if I bring God into my battle (including the battle of my fears and my darkness) then I will win, because it is impossible for Him to lose! He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. God has the first and last word in my life, and He also has it in the life of my child!
God has never entered a battle where 
He came out as the loser, and He never will. As soon as I see God on my side and not as the enemy, and ask Him to fight for me, I know somehow in the end I will come out victorious!
I can offer no easy fix or solution to this often-painful dilemma after the death of one’s child, although it is very black-and-white. We either believe God is good and Satan is evil, or we don’t.
We either believe that God isn’t big enough and has not won the final victory over sin and death, or we believe that He is more than enough, and the death of my child is not where God reached His limits. Somehow, He has a way out of the suffocating darkness of grief because of His deep love for me, and I am determined to hold on to Him with everything I have until He gets me to that place.
There is freedom in surrender. There is peace in trusting. That may not make any sense, but isn’t that part of what makes Him God? So often life here on this earth won’t make any sense with our limited minds. God sees what we cannot see, and He knows what we do not know. And we need to get to the point where we are okay with the fact that there are just some answers we won’t get on this side of eternity.
Living life here on earth without my oldest daughter has been an extremely painful challenge. And in working my way through the grief, I have discovered that God is not who I thought He was. He is way better than how I limited Him before. He is more compassionate, more loving, more faithful, more everything that is good, and that I need, to get me through my remaining time here until I am reunited forever with Becca.
I pray you will make the same discovery.
We would love to hear from you. Please share in the comments below which of the five shifts spoke to you the most. You never know who you might encourage with your own thoughts on this subject.
This blog was taken from the book When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child. As of the writing of this blog, we are in the process of putting together a free study course for those who want to go deeper than the book takes them. We would be happy to let you know when it is ready to be offered and to send more detailed information.
Expressions of Hope is written by author, 
speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.
Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.
If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.
GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.
- If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
- If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
- Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel.
Remembering that God always leads us into triumph. That really spoke to me because I realize after my daughter death that I could live again and it was God who was going to me joy and peace. I always knew that God was good, but once my daughter died, I really got to experience. My daughter death change me and made me want to have a relationship with God. It also made me realize that God was in control. Before my daughter died I wasn’t close to God, I thought I had it all under control. I felt like I needed my daughter and she needed me, but I learned that all we needed was Jesus. This was my wake up call. Thank you for touching on this subject.
Wow, Jennifer, that is so encouraging. I am so sorry about the earthly loss of your daughter. Aren’t we thankful this is only a temporary separation?
I liked these 5 shifts to get me closer to God. #1 helps me. Because I dont feel like my son is in the grave, but temporarily gone, I dont know if that’s my faith r my grief not letting me believe he is gone. #3 spoke to me…telling him of my anger & fears will help me get close to God again. It feels like a lover that has done u wrong, but u still love him & want something that will make u feel close to him again. I was a
pray intercesser. But since my son passed, my faith is not there to pray for others anymore. I believe Jesus is my Savior but it’s hard to get close to him again & have faith. Pray for me.
Oralia, you have some very good observations. And I am glad you feel free to admit your struggles, ones that are common to many. Prayers and long-distance hugs!
Initially, I was so angry with God after losing our forever 30 daughter. All the while, I kept reminding myself that she was now in a better place, no more worries,etc. And, we would see her again. I continually prayed for strength. As time passed, I began to realize that I had to be willing to truly stand in my faith. I am so thankful that I did.
It is quite a roller coaster ride of emotions, isn’t it, Cynthia? And I am so glad God carries us through, no matter how dark it gets or how angry we are. Hugs to you!
Can my daughter see me from Heaven?
Hi Jeanne,
I believe there are times that can happen. But I don’t believe they get caught up in the sadness we are experiencing, because they are on the other side of eternity and now see with God’s perspective, and see the full picture we cannot see from where we are. I do talk about this subject in the blog titled “Can the Spirits of Our Children Come to Us?”
Hello Laura,
Thank you for your beautiful words. They have really helped me. I was raised almost my whole life with a Christian background (age 7), and had a great relationship with Jesus Christ. Until, my oldest child (1 of 4) & only son Michael passed away in a car accident last month. He was set to go to college this weekend on a football scholarship. He survived for 3 days, and I was so sure God would answer my prayers. My faith was unshakable, and I pulled out all the stops but it wasn’t meant to be. For the first time in my life I feel “nothing” when I pray. I try, but it don’t feel the same. There’s a little anger, but more of a feeling of disappointment & trust issues. He’s given me plenty of answers on many things, but it seems like that connection I had is severed. I don’t even know where to begin. Not sound haughty, but I feel like God your my best friend I tell you everything & now when I needed you most your silent? Please pray that he touches my spirit, and comforts me & my family. It’s only been 6 weeks since he passed & I need to feel that connection with him again.
Charles, I am so sorry about your son, Michael. I can’t explain it, but that seems to happen to most of us. In our darkest place, it is so dark we can’t seem to see, hear, feel or touch God, when it was never like that before. We know He is light, and that light shatters the darkness, but the dark is so dark, it is like for some reason it just isn’t reaching us. Six weeks is SO very fresh. This unwanted journey you have found yourself on is a long one. I am sorry you had a reason to find us, but glad you did. I hope you stay connected so we can walk together.
Your so kind Laura, and I definitely ain’t going anywhere! Just subscribed to your YouTube channel & im going to order your book. I desperately need a support group around me, as I really don’t have anyone to be honest. I’m so glad I found you blog here, I only hope one day to be as brave as you are. With God’s grace I’ll get there.
Charles, If you email me, I can let you know about an online group we have that meets twice a month on Monday evenings. laura@gpshope.org.
I would like to join too.
Thank you
Charles
I too lost my first born only son in August 2020. He was to start law school with a full scholarship. He was driving back to his apartment after a visit home and his car broke down and was hit by a truck.
We are simply devastated and I feel like I am drowning.
I am now on this journey of finding faith when it seems impossible.
Ana
I am so very sorry. This is definitely a journey that can rattle our faith and relationship with God.
Hello everyone. I extend deep condolences to everyone here. Thank you Laura, for your service in presenting this blog. I have been searching for help of this kind since I lost my eldest daughter in October 2020. In the midst of expecting life we received grief. Number five really spoke to me, especially the phrase about the ‘freedom in surrender and peace in trusting. ‘ My daughter lay in a coma for six days after suffering pre-eclampsia, during which time I begged, bargained and pleaded with God. In the midst of expecting life we received grief. (The baby survived). I doubted God and my faith blundered, I thought, why has God allowed this, haven’t I been faithful, and it seemed that this pain was just too much. The grief was debilitating I never thought such deep pain would be my lot in life, but then I realised, ‘who are we that we should be spared pain?’ I have been coming to the realisation that I must surrender, that’s why number five means so much. To realise that when I walk with God I am walking with Him who cannot lose, He who will always lead me into triumph. This brings a sense of peace and hope. Thank you, Laura, for your service to those who grieve.
Hi Ingrid, I am very sorry about your daughter. I can’t imagine how painful that must be to lose your daughter while giving life… I am so glad you found something helpful here. I hope you stay connected to us so we can walk this journey together.
I lost my daughter just 2 months ago….. I believe and prayed to god daily for the protection of my family by name…. God is the only thing I really trusted in this evil world, but he let me down. I feel broken and lost with no protection from this evil world …. the Bible says ask and you shall receive, what happened to gods word in Jesus Christ name being true. But I have no choice but to accept my life now, but how do you truly trust when you have been destroyed by the one you trusted most in this world…. we will all our lives on this earth like wounded animals in the wilderness. Waiting for the attacks that should be covered by the blood of Jesus…. the devil should never break through, or that was my foolish thoughts. Now we are just sitting ducks for evil to attack…. people quote the Bible to me about king David and faithful job…. who am I to be compared to such Bible royalty … I am not in the Bible not worthy… just a humble soul…. why should I carry this burden, thus attack, that will be with me all the days of my life…. when do Christians get their protection in this evil world…. I love god in Jesus name, but it’s sad when by his lack of protecting you and your love ones it’s obvious he does not love you back…. I know love is not equal, but stupid me I thought his was the greatest of all….
Hi Laurie, this is an area that many parents struggle in for sure! For some reason many of us believe that if we say or do certain things, it is like having a golden ticket from anything bad ever happening to us here on this earth. What I have learned is that faith is not a magic key to get our prayers answered the way we want. Faith is trusting God to be with us and walk with us through the darkness of this world.
Our child dying is not a sign that God does not love us. As a matter-of-fact, He loves us SO much that He made a way for us to be together forever after our time here on earth, where Satan can no longer touch us.
I hope you connect with us at gpshope.org. This is a very long journey, and I do not want you to walk it alone. You will be with others who have had the same thoughts as you, and some who are still struggling with it like you are. We are all on this journey together.
Thank you Laura for personally knowing and understanding this pain of ours, and taking the time to reach out to me in my darkest time to give me some hope and direction in my wilderness.
God bless you for giving us some hope and strength in this nightmare.
Laurie
I am honored to be able to walk with you in this darkness. Love and hugs!
My pain is and has been so deep that I had to read this column a second time to get it’s full meaning. You mention that in working through your grief, God is not who you thought He was but is so much better. Since my middle son passed, I’m trying to know who this God is. I thought I knew him (I mean really knew Him) but now, it seems like I don’t really know who He is. My struggle, is that it seems God blesses some more than He blesses others – and this on top of my grief is very difficult (and extremely painful). Spiritually, I know God loves me, my husband and our other two sons, but it seems God has allowed more pain and suffering in our lives than in the lives of other family and close friends. No one in our circle has lost a child – no one but us. This is the hurt and pain that I can’t seem to get over. Please know that I truly believe God loves me and my family. But I also believe he allows more pain in some lives and that he blesses some more than others. I feel like Ishmael.
Hi Karen, what you are thinking and feeling is very typical for those of us who have lost a child. We feel like for some reason God has betrayed us and we don’t understand why. I think one thing we as Christians believe is that if life is going good for someone it is because they have God’s blessing, and if something bad happens it is because God has removed his blessing. I think there is a differece between receiving from God, and knowing God intimately. THAT is the greatest blessing, and when we lose a child, it sends us on a journey with the opportunity to know God more intimately in a way others cannot. I know it doesn’t seem that way right now, becasue you are at the beginning of this journey, and I am very sorry you have a reason to read this and connect with us at GPS Hope. But I am glad you found us so that we can walk this unwanted journey together.
I am very sorry I am just now seeing this to be able to reply. I recently sent out an email (the Weekly Word of Hope) that talks about this. Are you on the email list to recieve it? If not, email me at laura@gpshope and I will send it to you.