A grieving parent, who is barely two years into this journey, recently shared with me that God obviously knew their child’s death would bring so much darkness and pain into their lives and yet He allowed it anyway, and then asked if I thought their child could “be happy with our Lord in Paradise, seeing the unending heartbreak and tears left behind.”
I thought it was a great question, and decided to share my thoughts on this with other grieving parents who might be wondering the same thing.
Yes, God knows what losing our children will do to us, both short term and long term. For most of us, the first two years or more is full of a suffocating darkness that cannot be put into words. And it is impossible to see yourself back in any kind of light to live a life worth living, much less ever feel happy again.
So does this cause your child in heaven to be sad for how much you are hurting?
I believe your child sees the same picture that God sees; the same one that you cannot see right now. She or he is now on the other side of eternity, and can see beyond the darkness of our “now” here on earth.
Our children who have left this earth ahead of us are living out Romans 8:18, which tells us, “We have sufferings now. But the sufferings we have now are nothing compared to the great glory that will be given to us.” I think it is very possible that our children are so busy dancing and laughing in that glory, being in a state of absolute perfection, and rejoicing at being face-to-face with Jesus, that they are not in heaven grieving the pain of our loss one bit.
In fact, I think it is possible that the exact opposite (of them being sad for us) is happening.
I picture my daughter ecstatic in joyful anticipation, knowing what I will be gaining, and super excited beyond what can be put into words that someday she will be there to actually meet me upon my own arrival into that glory God promised. Can you see your child that way as well?
How many kids get to greet their parents at heaven’s gates? That is actually pretty special. Talk about a change in perspective!
What I have learned in my time of being here on earth without my daughter, Becca, is that we eventually get to a point where we can choose our perspective. Am I going to live every single day for the rest of my life here on earth in the intense pain of my loss? I don’t know about you, but I sure don’t want to. Yes, I still go there from time to time, and the tears flow and my heart feels like it is breaking all over again.
But more and more often, instead of mourning my loss, I am choosing to be happy for her gain… picturing her with both legs (her left leg was amputated at age three because of cancer) in total perfection and joy that is beyond what I can even imagine here on earth. I picture her worshiping Jesus – which she loved to do here on earth (and wrote many incredible worship songs), but now she can actually worship Him at His throne!
Wallowing in the pain of my loss and how much I miss her, feeds the suffocating darkness and pain, allowing it to continue consuming me.
Meditating on her gain, causes that pain and darkness to lift to a place of making life bearable once again.
And the more I spend time thinking about her gain in heaven (how she must look in wholeness and perfect beauty, how great she must feel both physically and emotionally, how she must absolutely love being in the very presence of the actual throne room, etc.) the more it brings me to a place of my life here on earth being full again. I not only realize she is okay, but she is better and more full of life than she ever was here on this earth.
I think that heaven is so incredible, our children can no longer relate to pain here on earth. How can there be broken hearts in heaven? If that is the case, God has lied to us. Heaven is supposed to be where we are going to finally be made whole in every area of our lives, including both physically and emotionally. Would it really be heaven, if our kids were looking down on us and feeling totally broken that God decided to allow them to go there before we did, and are angry at God for letting us be in such pain upon their departure from earth? That sounds more like the absence of God, not being in the presence of God.
Several scriptures in the Bible tell us that heaven is where we will be rewarded for how we lived our lives here on earth. (As Christians, we will not be judged, as Christ took that judgment for us.) So are the rewards for our children kept from them until we arrive? And until then, do they have to suffer in heaven with deep sadness, knowing how all we want to do is die and go be with them?
Please believe me when I say I know the pain. I told God to just kill me, because I didn’t want to be here anymore without Becca! But in His totally amazing love and grace, He allowed me to continue here on this earth. Yes, I said that. And I will say it again.
It is His deep love and eternal grace that keeps us here, when all we want to do is be done and go to our eternal home.
Several years down the road, I can honestly say how thankful I am that God did not answer my plea for death to take me. Why?
- My other children would probably be really struggling if that had happened, even as adults. It has been enough of a struggle with them losing their sister, much less losing Dave and/or me on top of that.
- I am not missing out on watching my children blossom in adulthood. I get to see and be a part of who they are becoming and things like whom they are marrying.
- I get to love on a bunch more of my grandchildren, who are a huge blessing in my life! Since Becca died, two more have been born, and another two are on the way. These grandchildren are my legacy, and I am excited to be part of their lives! We are all sad that they will never know their Aunt Becca, but they won’t also be sad because they didn’t know their Grandma Lolli and Pop.
- I wouldn’t be here to encourage you!
Along with thousands of other pareavors (bereaved parents), I have turned the corner, and you can, too. You can have HOPE that it won’t always be like this, unless you continue to choose to remain here on earth in the blackness of deep grief.
I know at the beginning there isn’t a choice – grief just overtakes us because death is a huge loss, and the death of a child is not normal (and the most devastating loss we can experience on this earth according to most experts).
But the death of our child is not where God reaches His limits, nor did it blindside God. He has a plan we cannot see. He has light for our darkness, and brings life from death. He can and will help you come out of the darkness and back into light and life again.
It will probably take longer than you want it to, and there can be many “setbacks,” but I can tell you, it is worth the fight, when you are ready to learn how to live again here on earth until you are greeted by your child with a huge hug and the words, “Welcome home!”
Losing a child is a trauma and working your way through the suffocating darkness is a long hard road. Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is here to help navigate you through the journey. We would like to continue, by sending you (from our free resource library) a list of “Thirty Ways to Comfort and Take Care of Ourselves.”
This will also allow us to send you a Weekly Word of Hope, which you can unsubscribe from at any time, by clicking a link at the bottom of any email.
Dear Laura:
Thank you for this article and your continuing efforts to help grieving parents on this difficult journey. I wonder if being with our Laura in Heaven can be more wonderful than having her here on Earth? Perhaps our Lord took her first because our lives here will be ending soon and our love and care for her here would have ended.
Regards,
Ted & Norma Grondski
Springfield, MA
I am convinced that being in heaven with our children will be more wonderful than it was here on earth, and it will be even more wonderful than we could have ever imagined!
There are just some answers we won’t get this side of heaven. I know it is difficult to imagine our lives continuing here on earth for 5, 10, 20 years without our child. It used to make me catch my breath in pain to think about that. But one day God so graciously spoke to my heart that I am not getting further away from Becca, but every day I am here on earth I am getting closer to her moving toward our eternal home.
I know we want answers to why. Why did God allow our child to die before we did? It is so unnatural and very wrong, and shatters our hearts and lives into millions of pieces. I found that when I was able to stop asking why, and start asking how (such as, “God, how are you going to help me get through this horrible darkness and pain to be able to live again?”) that I started having more peace, and made it easier to have a hope that my own life was not over and that there was more for me to live.
I know being the primary care-giver for so many years becomes our identity, and that adds another layer to what has to be worked through.
Love and hugs to you both, Ted and Norma!
I just lost my little angel on the 7th of March 2020,she was only two years old,, she was not sick she just started by Sweating and shaking, we rushed her to hospital on our way there she was vomiting foam and kicking her small little legs, it was just so confusing and it happened so fast.. I don’t sleep at nights, I can’t eat well I just can’t live without her.. I don’t know what to do, wish I could back the time…i miss her so much and I love her.. I still don’t understand what really happened ?
Oh my!!! My heart just aches for you, I am SO very sorry! And this just happened – it’s barely been a month. I wish I could just take this nightmare away from you. This is a very long journey you are on. I hope you stay connected with us so we can walk with you!
I lost my daughter at age 5, suddenly and quickly. I don’t have any answers yet either! I need to know she isn’t upset and/or missing me x
So sorry for your loss xx
Hi Kerr, I don’t know why I am must now seeing this. I am very sorry about that. My heart hurts for you at the loss of your daughter, and at such a young age. I hope you no longer struggle with wondering if she is upset or missing you. Feel free to email me anytime laura@gpshope.org
Thank you, thank you, thank you! So grateful God used you to speak directly to me! I was drowning in pain and no one understood how painful the loss of our son has been. It’s as if you were asking God the same questions I (and my husband) are (and have been) asking Him. This is indeed the moving of the Holy Spirit. Thank you for helping paint that picture of what our son is experiencing in heaven. God bless you.
Karen, I am so glad this helped you, but I am also so sorry you had a reason to find and read it. I don’t usually do this, but because of what you said, I want to recommend my book When Tragedy Strikes. It is full of the things I took to God after the death of our daughter, and how He responded to me. I hope you stay connected to us here at GPS Hope so we can walk this journey togehter.
As you , I lost my little girl this past March 15th . She was 6 years old . Cancer also brought her home .
It has taken me alot of time , but I see her passing as gift . I truly am happy for Her, I know where she is . When I began to accept her passing as a gift.
It helped me so much
Thank you for sharing with us.
I know becca and jessi ( my little girl) are having a grand time in heaven:)
Deborah, I am sorry for the earthly loss of your Jessi. It sounds like you have reached a deep measure of healing MUCH sooner than most of us. I am very glad for you! When you say it took a lot of time to see her passing as a gift, I consider that to be truly miraculous, because you haven’t even reached the one year mark.
Most of us take a minimum of 2-3 years to come out of the suffocating darkness just to begin to process the reality that we must learn how to function without our child (which is legitimate, because studies have shown that anything under five years is considered fresh grief for the death of a child, and it is also considered a trauma/traumatic grief.)
I will honestly say that after six years, I still don’t know if I am ready to say that Becca’s passing is a gift. But I have accepted it, and have learned how to be more happy for her gain than sorrow at my loss, learned how to grow from it, and and how to live in fulfillment to God’s plan that obviously does not include Becca being here.
Thank you for sharing. I am sure you have given others much to think about with a different perspective. It is so good that you were able to receive that view so quickly and how much it helped. (And I can sure see why it did!) And that seems to be one of the biggest keys – how we allow ourselves to see things and our thoughts about them. I am sure you are right, they are having a good time up there together. We have children waiting for us, ready and excited to show us around. How many people can say they have that blessing, right?
May God continue to bless you in this journey!
This Thursday will be 1 year since jessi went home , I have my days and nights of tears and sadness . But I know , I cannot be selfish and not question God why he decided to take my little girl so early in life .
When she first passed, I was so angry and sad and hurt . God knows the pain of losing a child. He felt the hurt and pain and fear of ” what is next ” .
I have been a follower of Christ since I was a child and he does not make mistakes .
After her passing , I felt if I got into this dark hole . That’s what the devil would want . But not our king .
All children belong to God and if he wants his children back, he will take them and there can be nothing done about it .
Jessi was an AMAZING little girl .. I see her as, she was to special for this place and he wanted her back !
She changed thousands of lives in her short 6 years on earth and I was so blessed to be her mom ! She was a gift and I am so thankful I was her mommy ..
Deborah, thank you for sharing with us. I pray God’s peace and comfort will be with you on Thursday as you hit the one year mark. I know we have God, and we know our children are in a wonderful place, but it is natural for our hearts to hurt beyond words in missing them at times, especially on the anniversary of their departure date, birthday, and often holidays such as Mother’s Day and others. Blessings to you as you continue to move forward on this journey.
Hi my name is Lela. I lost my son Antonio April 24, 2017. This was the worst day of my life, by far the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. I often ask myself, will he know that I am his mother when I get to heaven. Will he be that same person full of joy and laughter. The day before he died he was so sad, stresses, and tired. A part of me is overjoyed, because there is no more suffering. The selfish part in me wants him here with me. I am truly convinced he is happy and not stressed or suffering any more. I hope and pray we will meet again in Jesus name.
Hi Lela,
I am so very sorry about Antonio. My heart hurts for you. I totally understand the conflict. When I think of my Becca and where she is, with no more pain and suffering, total glory, perfect love, etc. I am happy for her. But I still miss her and wish she was here with me. Yes, that may seem selfish, but how can we not be, at least somewhat? I believe not only will Antonio know you, he will be waiting for you and be so happy to show you around to all the things he has already explored! Hugs to you, and prayers as you continue this unwanted journey we have both found ourselves on. It will get better. Maybe not as soon as you would like, but just keep going one day, one minute at a time. There is HOPE! Hold On Pain Eases…
Do u think as soon as I die It will be like it was ?
Hi Valerie,
I believe with all of my heart that it will be even better! Romans 8:18 has been one of my favorite verses, even before my daughter, Becca, transferred to her heavenly home. It says that what we are suffering now is nothing compared with our future glory. Based on how deep our pain and suffering is after the death of our child, that has got to be some incredible glory that we have no way of comprehending!!! And our children are already experiencing it and know what that glory is like.
In the mean time, we are left with holding on to Him as He carries us through the darkness, allowing Him to breath life back into us. I know it seems impossible, as most of us on this road ahead of you believed as well, but you can have a life of hope, and light, and even a life with purpose and meaning again. It looks different, but t’s kind of like learning to live with an amputation. A part of our very being has been cut off from us, and it takes a long time to heal, and learn how to live with that piece of us missing.
I hope you stay connected to us here at GPS Hope, so we can walk this road together.
Hi, my 10 year old son went to be with our King 41 days ago. The hurt that I feel, I cannot even describe. It is beyond anything I thought. I miss him so so much. It hurts to think about the memories we had together and how it’s gone. He would often tell us how he wanted to go home and be with Jesus. You don’t really take that seriously until something happens. My little guy was born with a heart defect and has had 4 heart surgeries and so I guess he was getting weary of it and new that he didn’t want to stay here on earth anymore. And so I believe God took him home. God listened to his heart. Yes, am being selfish and I want him here with me. I just cannot believe that he is gone. Every morning I wake up, I wake up in disbelief. Everywhere I go and everything I do am being reminded of him. I truly hope that Jesus is coming soon for his bride so that I’ll get to see him sooner than later. Often times I wonder what he’s doing? Is he having the time of his life? Is Jesus telling him AWSOME stories. All I can do is wonder now. I cannot get enough of listening to other people’s encounters in Heaven. I know nothing can help me get thru this but my God. I just miss his presence and voice so much.
Natali,
Thank you for sharing here. I am so very sorry about your son. Becca had three heart surgeries as a young adult, plus her leg amputated when she was only three (bone cancer). Her heart finally gave out as well.
This is SO very fresh for you! I remember those days. Knowing she was whole and in His presence doesn’t seem to take away the pain of not having them with us. It takes so long for our hearts to accept what our head knows.
Even in the darkness, may God’s love be real to you, and may you be able to rest in Him as you go through the long process of healing your shattered heart. We will never be the same with our child gone from us, but we can learn how to live a life of meaning and purpose. But it seems to take so much longer than we want it to.
I lost my child Brandon to liver cancer 5-22-19 he was only 9 years old I don’t know how to continue I have so much fear. I feel so much pain. I ask my self so many questions. He would always say god was with him. How do I continue life without him. Will I ever see him again
Tanya, I am so sorry. Your loss is so very fresh, and Brandon was so young! All that you have said is unfortunately normal thoughts and feelings. I hope knowing that helps just a little bit, and yet I know it doesn’t make it any better. I really hope you stay connected to GPS Hope, so we can continue to walk with you in your darkness and pain. You will find that many of those questions will be answered, as well. Hugs and prayers!
Hi, I lost my child last April 23, 2019 he was just 9 months at that time. He was born with a heart defect (CHD VSD coarctation of aorta), we plan to have his surgery on May 2019 but something happened before the operation, he got pneumonia. I don’t know why he got that kind of illness before his operation. We are very excited for his upcoming operation but suddenly fate was come to him. He is very sweet, intelligent, lovable and smiling baby that’s why it’s hard to let go and move on 100%. I love watching his videos when I’m totally sad because I miss him so much. I know that God has a purpose, why this things happening. I already ask him how I can get over with my guilt and sadness, and his answer is just keep believing on him. I keep believing on him that’s why little by little I tried to accept everything. I could say that I’am much better now than previous months where I really want to die without thinking of my two son’s who are still with me, but I keep praying, attending worship and reading gospel of the Lord that’s why I could say that I am much better now, because I can do my normal routine now. I know that my son is happy now with God, and I’m happy too that his with God because he will not be in pain anymore. I love him with all my heart, I will miss him forever. Now, what I want to do is continue my life with my two son’s and my understanding husband. I also want to continue worship God so that when fate comes to me I can be with my son in heaven.
Hi Mary Jane,
This is so very fresh for you! I am so very sorry for the earthly loss of your precious son. I am glad you know that he is safe with Jesus until you see him again, and I am also very glad that you know how important it is to take care of and love on your other children in the midst of your pain and sorrow. May God continue to be your source of comfort.
Hi I recently lost my son due to suicide and i am finding it hard to reason with God for my loss I keep searching for answers on were I went wrong..I blame myself for not looking deeper and working all the time I keep thinking if he reached heaven and if God forgave him I miss him he was just 19 years old he had so much to live for something died inside me that day when he left.
Hannah, my heart aches for you! I totally understand that something died inside of you when your son did. Because that is exactly what happened. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but life will come again from it. It will look different, and will take a long time, and there is much darkness to work through, I am so sorry to say. May I suggest you look through the podcasts on our website http://www.gpshope.org and listen to any that seem to hit where you are. One of them is specifically talking about if our child is in heaven, and another one is about forgiving ourselves. This is a process, and you will need to give yourself lots of grace, even when others around you who don’t understand do not. I am so sorry about your son, but glad you found us. Please stay connected so we can walk with you on this unwanted journey.
Hi. My son Luke died at the age of 16 of a percoset laced with fentanyl (we think-waiting on toxicology reports).
This was Feb. 2, 2020.
I’m not sure what else to say. He was my favorite person. He was so loving.
I’m sort of getting used to my new normal. God is good!
I find myself wondering what he is doing! I know we are eternal beings and I know he was saved, and I know God is faithful, even when we aren’t! So that leads me to wonder what my precious son is doing in heaven!
I love that I don’t have to worry and that my baby is safe. I love that now he has found his passion and purpose in heaven with Jesus and for Jesus and in Jesus! He’s not lost, wandering or insecure. He’s not troubled, scared, or sad. He is home. With Jesus! He is safe! He is happy and whole. He is perfect.
I love the imagery of him waiting eagerly for me by heavens gates! I hadn’t thought about that. Just about how I was going to tackle him with hugs and kisses! I know times not linear there, but it’s almost cute to think of him having a calendar and marking off the days until I get there.
Oh I love him so much. What a joy he is to everyone who knows him!
Thank you for this!
Rachel, I am so glad you are able to see his gain and be happy for your son. This is so very early for you. Don’t be surprised if there are many dark days as the reality of what has happened hits you. I hope you stay connected to us, so that we can walk this road together. May God continue to give you peace, and may you always feel His love surrounding you.
I lost my son on May 17,2020 he was 17 on his dad birthday it’s killing me I always wonder what if I would of hole my baby in the house that day would he still be here I have my good days and my bad days I wonder do people do this is killing me day by day
Hi Shaneka, I am very sorry about your son. This is SO very fresh for you!!! The “what if’s” can be pure torture, but it is no use for me to tell you not to think that way so early on this journey. Yes, we feel like we died with our child. And most of us just want to be done here… we cannot imagine living the rest of our lives with this much pain. Even with a spouse or other children we love, we just want to go be with the one who is now missing. (Kind of like wanting to leave the 99 and go find the 1.) This is a painful journey and you will probably be fighting the darkness and working through the grief of your deep loss for quite a while – longer than others around you think you should, but those of us who have lost a child will understand. I hope you connect with us so we can walk this journey together.
I lost my son on May 17,2020 in a bad car wreck on his father birthday not a second go by I don’t think about my baby I have so much anger in me but I know I don’t supposed to but I wonder y my son didn’t make out of that car wreck a lot of people do but he didn’t what if I Would of hole my son in the house that day would he still be her How can I go on without my son
Shaneka, my thoughts and prayers are with both of you. I cannot imagine losing my child on my birthday – or my husband having that loss on his birthday. I am sure this Sunday, Father’s Day, will be hard on him. Anger is normal, all the wondering and asking why is normal. We have to work our way through all of that, and it can take a long time. We can be that hope and light for you while you are in this place of suffocating darkness. This is so early and so very fresh. Long distance hugs! I hope you check out our other resources and sign up to get our Weekly Word of Hope, so we can walk this with you.
I was beginning to feel a touch of encouragement until pretty much all of your reasons for being thankful for being alive are due to your other kids and grandkids. Must be nice. I would be glad to be here if that were my life, too. Instead, I lost my son and only child. No grandchildren and now no hope of ever having any.
Hi Kim, you are right, I can see how that would be so discouraging as someone who has lost your only child. I know so many parents who are in the same place as you. There is so much more for all of you to have to deal with in your grief – so many added layers that just seem to keep presenting themselves. I am sorry this blog ended with discouragement and frustration for you to undo all of what started out as encouragement.
I lost my son this November, it happened so sudden, he had fallen backwards on an icy street. He fell very hard on his head.. someone found him and the call came that he was in a deep coma…he never regained consciousness..he was 61 years old… the devastation I felt was so horrible …I do have 4 other children and grand children and great grandchildren… my son had severe pain every day, in his back from previous surgeries. He had a morphine pump inside him..we live in the same town and so we were together so often and a call almost every day..we had a deep connection..
I am learning a lot from you here..and I am realizing that he is no longer in pain now, but as a mother it is incredibly hard as I miss him so much…
He has 2 children here too, adults of course, his daughter finds it difficult to accept and says that she is pretending it’s not true so she can get through the day… I Know that is not healthy…
It really was a big loss for the whole family …I just want to know a lot of things, like is he happy etc and is he getting enough to eat..I do know that sounds silly… anyway thank you for helping
Judy, I have always been amazed at how it does not matter the age of our child, the suffocating darkness is still there. I am so very sorry for such an unexpected earthly loss. Being happy for them does not remove the pain of not having our child here with us. Hugs!
I lost my only child suddenly 2 weeks ago. I don’t know how to live without him. He was only 53 and a wonderful artist. My grief is overwhelming. His wife and son are having a rough time also. I know he is in God’s hands, I just want to know why this happened so quickly, a perforated ulcer, just wish I knew if death was painful for him. I pray it was too quick for him to know what was happening.These questions are haunting me. I know God will take care of him.
Oh Jennifer, I am so sorry! It JUST happened… my heart aches for you. This is a long journey that none of us want to be on. I am glad you found us so soon, but sorry that you had a reason to. I hope you connect to GPS Hope so that we can walk with you!
Thank you Laura. I am struggling with questions exactly like the ones you have addressed since I lost my 2 and half year old daughter 5 months ago. I often drive myself crazy wondering if she is scared, alone and missing me as I miss her. Your article has made me think about her death in a different way for the first time, I actually smiled at the thought of her being so excited to show me all the glorious joy awaiting me in heaven when I get to join her. You are right, why would God make my daughter, so pure and kind, suffer in a place that promises pure happiness, because I am not yet ready to be with her, because I have more things to do here on earth. Thank you for your words.
Hi Natalie, oh my! She was so young, and I am very sorry (and this is VERY fresh for you)! My heart goes out to you! I am so glad you were able to get a glimpse from her view, and that you can start to believe that she is happy and whole, living in pure perfection and glory; not sad, but waiting with excitement for when it is your turn to join her. (And since she is on that side of eternity, waiting means she is not impatient or that she will feel like it is taking too long!)
I hope you connect with us at http://www.gphope.org so that we can continue to walk this journey with you.
My son was murdered new years day..he was 18 ..I hurt so much. I just wanted reassurance that he’s safe and we will be reunited again .my son wasn’t in the wrong and didn’t deserve what happened..no one deserves to die .
Sharon I am so sorry! Such a senseless thing! This is so early for you… there is so much to this unwanted journey. I’m glad you found us and hope you connect with us so we can walk it together.
My son was killed May 21,2021. He was 7463 days old. 20 years, 5 months and 7days. He had a wife that he met in 6th grade and 3 kids. 3, 21 months and 8 months old. I know he is with Jesus. We talked about it days before. I know he is better off now. I have absolutely no doubt that I will see him again. But his brother is so full of anger and rage. Hatred for the shooter, that it bleeds over into everyone and everything. He has lost his Faith.
I am so sorry about the earthly loss of your son. Knowing where our children are is comforting, but it still doesn’t take away the pain of not having them here, and watching how it affects everyone. It is very common to be angry at God. We know He could have stopped it, and we tell ourselves a good God would not allow bad things like this to happen. It is difficult to watch our children walk away from something (Someone) who is what we need to get through a tragedy like this. We don’t understand, but some of us choose to fight to continue to believe in the One who will make all things right in the end. Please feel free to email myself laura@gpshope.org or Dave dave@gpshope.org to connect further.