I just read an article, written by someone to encourage the mothers of those precious children who were martyrs in our own country, because they stood firm in declaring they were followers of Christ. (I am referring to the shooting at a college in Portland, Oregon on October 1, 2016.)
Who would have thought this would happen in America, especially over and over again, to our children in their places of learning, from grade schools to college campuses? (There were also three older adults killed in this shooting.)
The article was eloquently written, telling these parents how proud they should be that their children were murdered for the faith these moms instilled in their children, and how thankful they must be that their children’s deaths are an inspiration to all of us.
I do not want to come across as attacking the writer of this article. Her heart is grieving for these parents, and she took a step to convey that. I applaud her for it. But as a bereaved parent myself (although not from a school shooting) I strongly feel there needs to be a greater awareness of how we respond to parents who are grieving the death of their children, so as not to increase their pain, thinking we are bringing them comfort.
Put yourself in the place of these parents. Your child has been murdered because he or she declared their faith. You had no idea when he left for school that morning you 
would never see him again on this earth. All the hopes, dreams, and plans for your daughter, both in the next few months and for the rest of her life are now gone forever. You will never see their smile again, never hear them laugh, never be able to give or receive a hug, or hear them say, “I love you.” They will never sleep in their bed again, never again sit at your table for a meal, never celebrate another birthday…it goes on and on and on.
Now, under that heaviness, how do you feel being told you should be honored that your child died a martyr’s (or a hero’s) death and that it is an inspiration to others? You might graciously tell them thank you, and your mind knows that is true, but your heart is too shocked and heavy to be able to accept the truth of it. It’s easy to tell a parent something like that, and see it clearly when it is someone else’s child, but chances are actually pretty good being told something like that so soon after your own child’s death (they haven’t even had any funerals yet) will make you internally angry. Sadly, you are not being shown compassion – which is acknowledging and validating how you do feel about your deep and intense pain that your child is no longer on this earth; not telling you how you should feel. You are also not being allowed time to process the nightmare itself that has totally shattered your world. Instead, you are being “pumped up” by those around you who have never experienced the death of their child, being a cheerleader in a way that makes you feel like you are supposed to glide right on past the trauma and be grateful for the good fruit that will come from it in the lives of others.
The writer of the article also reminded these parents in detail how their children died…how each one watched the ones ahead of them get shot (directly in the head in case you are not aware) and yet still claimed their Christianity, knowing what was going to happen. She wrote this with good intentions, thinking if she made sure these moms are reminded their children died nobly for the cause of Christ and how brave they were in their deaths, that it would bring the parents comfort.
HOWEVER, reminding parents of the details of their worst living 
nightmare they cannot wake up from, does not bring comfort to the raw and deep grief of those parents, no matter how noble their child’s death was. The moment of the death of our child plays in our minds over and over and over again (whether we actually saw it, or we are imagining what our child’s last moments on earth were like). So to have someone remind us, even if it was meant to encourage us by telling us how noble of a death it was, can actually be very painful, as we are already fighting seeing that image in our heads. We end up being somewhat forced to put on the thankful face people think we should have, while crumbling on the inside.
When it so fresh, we don’t want to be told how God is going to work it out for good. We don’t want to be reminded that our children are now in heaven with Jesus (we are much more aware of that than you are). WE JUST WANT OUR CHILD BACK!
Anyone who has lost a child can attest to the intense darkness, pain, and confusion that goes beyond anything that can be put into words. The normal clichés and “words of comfort” and scriptures that are given to those grieving other losses do not usually help our shattered hearts. We can’t sleep, we can’t think, we can’t even breathe at times. Our head knows our child is gone, but our hearts fight that fact with every fiber of our being.
We all expect our parents to proceed us in death. It does not diminish the deep pain and grief when it happens, but we know at some point we will have to travel through the “valley of the shadow of death” with our parents. Those of us who are married know in the back of our minds, there is a 50/50 chance our spouse will leave us behind at some point, to live on this earth without them. Once again, I am not saying the death of a spouse is not a dark and painful place of grief to have to work through, figuring out 
who we are with that part of us now gone. But our children are our legacy. They are our future. They are supposed to outlive us, get married, bless us with grandchildren, be one of our best friends in their adult years… It is unnatural and so very wrong to bury your child. Working through the grief of the death of a loved one can take months, or even years. Working through the grief of the death of our child (no matter their age) takes a lifetime.
If you are interested in reading more about how the death of a child affects a parent, or want to know things to avoid that bring us more pain, and how to be a comfort and a strength to us, I encourage you to check out my book Come Grieve Through Our Eyes: How To Give Comfort And Support To Bereaved Parents By Taking A Glimpse Into Our Hidden Dark World Of Grief.
You can also check out on our website my book coming out in July 2016, endorsed by Darrell Scott (father of Rachel Scott from the Columbine shooting) When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life After the Death of Your Child.
Written by Laura Diehl – founder of GPS Hope (Grieving Parents Sharing Hope)
doing something wrong, you cannot have joy. That includes not doing something you know God has told you to do. Disobedience brings guilt. Guilt brings condemnation. The Holy Spirit does not bring condemnation (He brings conviction) but guilt does. When we are feeling guilty, joy is going to be missing from our lives. This seems pretty obvious here in black-and-white, but not so much in our day-to-day living. When we repent and receive forgiveness, that guilt is washed away. When we are in obedience, there is a fullness of joy that comes with it. Our conscious is clean before God, and that lightness in our hearts has a natural result of joy.
If we are walking in faith, child-like faith that our Daddy is taking care of us and taking care of what we can’t see, no matter how bad the situation is, we will be in freedom and joy. I am handing it all over to Him, and releasing it to Him, which means it is no longer my burden, and it is up to Him to take care of and fix. Child-like faith doesn’t mean I am going to get my way. It means Hs is going to do what is right in the big picture, and believe me when I say I know first-hand how extremely painful that can be at times. But God has never entered a battle and come out the loser. He is always victorious, so I know that in Him, I will be victorious also, which gives me joy! It releases in me a child-like awe and wonderment. I am free to go about my life, believing things are going to be okay, which brings joy.
We all know great relationships take work. It takes a purposeful effort to spend time together, whether it is a person, or your Father in heaven, because life gets busy. So spending time in His Word to hear from Him, spending time in prayer talking to Him, and spending time in worship, which brings His very presence into our personal world, are all ways to grow in your relationship with God. And the better our relationship with God, the deeper the joy it releases in our lives.
Then there is the issue of thankfulness. We know thankfulness lifts our hearts. Many of us get so stuck in the rut of living, that we forget how blessed we are. Taking time to sit and list out the things we have to be thankful for, both in our minds and on paper, brings joy to our hears because it opens our eyes and gives us a renewed revelation of the good things God has brought into our lives. Focusing on the negative brings darkness. Focusing on the positive brings light. Light shatters the darkness and heaviness, allowing joy to break through.
it was a huge relief! I don’t have to manufacture or make sure I have joy (based on my love or my happiness in God) to have strength. My strength comes from knowing He is crazy in love with me! Wow! (Remember Zephaniah 3:17, how He is rejoicing over us with gladness and singing?) His joy over me is what makes me strong. His joy about me creates joy in me. Now there is a seed of hope to plant in your life for sure!
How many of you like oranges? Imagine I have an orange and start peeling it. It smells so good! I bite into a section and you can see how juicy it is. Do you want a piece? Wait a minute… I also have some candy. Would you rather have a piece of my orange or my candy?
right away, but keeps you from God’s blessings, and may even be harmful for you in ways you can’t see at the time.
Conquering the Game of Control by Craig Green is a book I read a few years ago that was a huge eye opener in this area. For me, it was one of those rare life changing books, which I highly recommend. I can’t even begin to share the many ways it affected me, but one of the main things it did was to give me a revelation of how ugly the sin of pride is, and how scary it is to have it activated in my life. Satan is at the root of all pride, and when I walk in this sin, it is activating the work of the enemy in me and through me to others. I realized I want nothing to do with being this channel of evil to those around me.
because of humbling himself, is Daniel. In Daniel 10:12 we read the words of an angel who appeared to him. “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them.” (NIV)
