I was not aware until the passing of Barbara Bush that she and President George H. W. Bush had a daughter who died from leukemia at three years old, on October 11, 1953. That means First Lady, Barbara Bush, was one of us.

This was back when little was known about cancer. They were told to take their daughter, Pauline Robinson “Robin,” home to die and make her happy in those two-three weeks she had left to live. They didn’t. They fought, by taking her to a relative in New York who was a doctor at a leading cancer center when cancer was barely understood, where she lived for another seven months. They fought for her life when no hope was given.

We get it…

It was shortly after Robin’s death that Barbara’s hair started turning white, which she attributes to her daughter’s illness and death. She was only 28 when her daughter died. Barbara Bush was known for that white hair, but it came at a high price. We change when our child dies, not just emotionally, but it takes a toll on us physically.

We get it…

The death of our child leaves a gaping hole that cannot ever be filled. It is bound to affect one’s marriage. Fortunately, in Barbara’s case, their marriage became stronger as they leaned on each other instead of tearing each other apart in their pain. Whether it strengthens the marriage, or tears it apart, the death of our child can’t help but affect the love-of-our-life relationship that we do day-to-day life with.

We get it…

Barbara’s son, George Jr., (President George W. Bush) was instrumental in “saving her life” after Robin’s death. At seven years old, he wouldn’t go out and play with his friends, insisting his mom was lonely and needed him. Most of us who are blessed to have other children have the same testimony – our other children are what kept us barely going.

We get it…

It affected Barbara’s relationship with God. The death of her daughter ended up pulling her and George closer to Him, trusting in His Sovereignty, knowing this life is not the end and they would see Robin again. (President Bush was known to say he expects his daughter Robin to be the first face he sees in heaven.)  Some of us are angry with God, some of us feel betrayed. Some of us immediately draw our strength from Him, and some of us do so only after our anger gets us nowhere and we turn to Him in desperation. The death of our child can’t help but affect our relationship with God.

We get it…

Robin’s body was donated to cancer research before being buried. All of us want to know that the life of our child mattered and somehow affects other lives for the better. Some of us are able to connect in some way to a cause, based on how our child died. Others put scholarship funds in place, write books or start organizations. We give gifts or have something permanently placed in a public venue in our child’s name. We are determined that our child’s life and legacy will somehow live on.

We get it…

In a fairly recent interview, memories of Robin brought joy to Barbara, thinking about Robin’s chubby little arms around her neck. But in another interview, 64 years to the month after Robin’s death, there were fresh tears. After the first few years of suffocating darkness and painful grief (Barbara said she felt like her heart was breaking and she could cry forever), we can turn a corner and start to smile at the memories and the joy our child brought into our lives. But we will never be beyond shedding fresh tears for the deep pain of missing our child.

We get it…

Barbara will be buried next to her daughter, whose body was moved in 2000 to the burial plot on the George Bush Presidential Library Grounds. I have two plots picked out for Dave and myself as close to our daughter, Becca, as I can get. We want to be close to our children, in life or death, even if we know it is just their bodies, whether buried or ashes.

We get it…

Very few of us will be like Debbie Reynolds and join our child in death even before their memorial service. (And obviously, if you are reading this, you are not one of those very few.)

We have no idea how long we have until we are taken from this earth and join our child. But each day we are here brings us one day closer. And each day here is an opportunity to live in a way that honors the life of our precious child.

I don’t believe the saying, “Time heals all wounds.” First, our wounds will never be fully healed this side of heaven, and second, I believe it is what we do with our time that brings the needed healing to not just survive, but to thrive, like Barbara Bush did for 65 years without her precious daughter.

That should give each one of us hope that we can, too. Somehow, it can be done.

One year after Becca’s death, I was with a friend I only get to see once or twice a year at the most. She took me out for coffee and just let me share my heart and cry about Becca. One thing I shared with her is how horrible I felt that I was looking forward to going to heaven to see my daughter more than to see Jesus. Her response? “But, Laura, you’ve made a deposit!”

Each one of us has made a deposit. And no matter what your political views, I think we can all rejoice with Barbara Bush, that after waiting for 65 years, she finally had the day we all look forward to as bereaved parents. She is now fully reunited with her child.

 

When our child dies, it takes a toll on us physically as well as emotionally. We would be happy to send you a list of thirty things you can do to help take gentle care of yourself, no matter where you are on this unwanted journey.

You and your email address are safe with us and will not be given out to anyone.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.

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Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

Much of the information in this article was taken from The Washington Post and Heavy.com news.

What determines God’s goodness? Is He good because He answers my prayers the way I want Him to? Is that what makes a person good? Because they give us what we want to make us happy? Or are they good because they know how to make right decisions for everyone involved? Are they good because they are not willing to compromise in the moment, but hold fast because they see and know the greater good further down the road?

I find it very sad when people walk away from God because He didn’t give them the answer they wanted to a prayer. God is not a vending machine where we put in the prayer, push a button, and the solution we want drops out for us.

As Christians, we often don’t realize how we treat God like a genie in a lamp. If we claim the right scriptures, say the right things, do some fasting and have enough faith (how much is “enough”?) then we will have our prayers answered.  We treat it like rubbing the lamp, having God pop out and say, “Your wish is my command!”

If we have made Jesus Lord of our lives, it overrides everything. It gives Him permission to be God in our lives, no matter what that looks like and includes when we don’t understand what He is doing or allowing in our lives.

I am not discounting speaking God’s Word over our lives and those we love, and pressing into Him through prayer. Not at all. But that is not a golden ticket to get what we want from Him and to never have the trial and tribulations He tells us we will have in our lives.

We have a young granddaughter who is being taught to say please and is learning that just because she says “pleeeeease” doesn’t mean she automatically gets what she wants.

When you ask someone for something, they have a choice to say yes or no. When we ask God for something, He has the choice to say yes or no. Did I want Him to say yes and allow Becca to stay here on this earth? Of course I did, with every fiber of my being! As a matter of fact, I believed He was actually going to heal her heart, either through a miracle or through a heart transplant. I was totally blindsided when she died—even though she was very sick.

But I have chosen not to change my thoughts and beliefs on who God is just because I did not get a prayer answered the way I wanted Him to, no matter how painful it may be and the deep suffocating darkness it threw me into.

And that is what trust is; to believe in someone when what I see or feel doesn’t make sense at the moment, no matter how much it hurts or how wrong I think it is.

Your emotions may be telling you that you cannot trust God and that He isn’t good. However, decisions made based on emotions are quite often wrong. I encourage you to make the difficult choice to trust Him, not based on whether or not you get what you want, but based on the fact that if you cannot see His goodness in your situation yet, it means He isn’t done working on your behalf.

We all have choices to make about trusting God. We ask our children many times to trust us, especially when our decisions cause them pain (and we know what they don’t know, and can see what they cannot see). God is asking the same thing.

A greater measure of healing will begin to happen when we decide that we are going to believe in His goodness and trust Him with our lives once again.

The choice is mine and yours. And the question becomes: Are you going to make it based on anger, resentment or frustration? Or are you going to move beyond that, believing He knows how to make right decisions for everyone involved, and that He was not willing to compromise in the moment, but held fast because He sees what we cannot see, and knows what we do not know?

I hope you will join me in believing in what He promises, that even if it doesn’t happen here on this earth, we will see the fullness of His goodness when we are with Him and our children once again.

Laura has put together a coloring book and journal with 42 words that have to do with our grief journey as parents who have lost a child. If you would like to have the pages on the word ANGER (which includes a thoughtful reflection on this word as well as a helpful scripture) let us know below. (To find out more about My Grief Journey: Coloring Book and Journal for Grieving Parents click here.)

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.

Every step on our life journey is a step of trust. We either trust in others, in ourselves, or in God.

Trusting completely in others, or only in ourselves, will eventually fail. But when something horrible happens in our lives (such as the death of our child) we often tell ourselves we can’t trust God unless we know the “why.”

I often use my own experience as a parent to help me understand my heavenly Father. Are there times I need my children to trust me without giving them an explanation? Of course. Are there lots of reasons I might not tell them why? Yes. And I know there are times my children have asked why (or why not), not because they really want to know, but because they want to be able to argue against my reason, whatever that reason is.

We can have the same attitude with God. Even if He told us why He allowed this tragedy in our lives, it wouldn’t be a good enough reason in our intense pain and darkness, and we would just want to argue with Him on how wrong He was to do this to us.

Understanding will not bring us peace. That is why we are told to trust in God and not in our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). For some reason we often think if we can figure things out we can be in control. But the relief felt doesn’t last very long because soon there is something else we are trying to make sense of.

During deep grief, people either move toward God or away from Him. But when we move away from Him, we are moving away from the One who can help us the most. God wants to walk with us through this valley of death. He wants to give us comfort. He wants to give us strength. He wants to give us hope. These are all things we desperately need. But if we choose to move away from Him, we will continue to desperately need these things. This is a time to get as close to God as you possibly can.

The picture I get is one of a distraught child crying uncontrollably as a father bends down to pick up that child. The child is so upset that he is kicking and screaming and fighting his father. Eventually the child runs out of strength and relaxes in the embrace of his loving father. And now that child can receive the comfort, strength, and hope he wants and needs.

It is the same with us. We often fight the One who can give us the very things we need. Instead, we need to quit fighting Him, receive His embrace, and allow Him to carry each of us in His strong arms of love.

We choose what we want to believe.

I can choose to believe there is no God or He would have saved my child.

I can choose to believe that if there is a God, He isn’t good and He isn’t fair or He would have saved my child.

Both of those options leave me feeling angry and empty.

I have chosen a third option. There is a God, His thoughts and ways are so much higher than mine, He loves me with a perfect love, and even though I don’t understand why He has allowed this to happen, I still trust Him with my life both here on earth and for eternity.

This option has brought me to a place of peace, rest, hope, and life again—even within the pain.

It is possible to choose to trust His love for you, even when you can’t see it or feel it. Not only is it possible, but it is a necessary step to get through the suffocating darkness into a place of light.

I would like to share something God spoke to my heart, that is just as true for you as it is for me.

I have a love for you that is so special and so deep and so unique that I can’t love anyone else with it. It is a love that is only for you! No one else can receive it because it is yours and yours only!

I suggest you read it again, slowly this time, hearing God speak this truth directly to you. Read it several times if you need to. Read it out loud. Keep reading it, until the truth of it breaks through and you know in your heart that because of His incredible, extravagant love for you, you can trust Him.

As a parent who has lost a child, I have gone through the trauma, grief, and darkness that come with it. I am also someone who was able to plant a seed of hope in my life that is now growing into a tree of life. It is a different tree with different fruit from before my daughter, Becca, died, but it is alive and sprouting and starting to bear some fruit.

Death is a part of life. We will all die at some point. And as painful as it is, some of us will have children who leave this earth ahead of us. The question is, how are we going to choose to live the rest of our lives when they are gone and there is nothing we can do to bring them back? Am I going to live in a way that reminds everyone my child died, or that my child lived?

I have chosen to trust God and continue to trust God, knowing He could have healed Becca but did not, allowing her to go to her eternal home ahead of me. He has a purpose and a plan that I cannot see or know about, because He is God and I am not.

I hope and pray that you will do the same.

This article was taken from Laura Diehl’s book When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life With Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child. Laura will be doing a live six-week deeper dive study into this book with anyone who wants to join her. Click the link below for more information or to register.

Yes! I am interested in doing a study with author Laura Diehl on her book When Tragedy Strikes.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event, click here.

GPS Hope exists to bring hope to parents who have suffered the death of a child, acknowledging their unique grief with support, connection and education for them and those around them.