In many parents, grief over the death of their child causes them to pull away or become emotionally absent from their surviving children. In rare circumstances it can be intentional, but for most of us, it is because the overwhelming pain and confusion keeps us from being able to function.

This can cause the surviving siblings to:

• Feel guilty for being happy, or for needing their parents’ help for anything
• Take on adult responsibilities and feel a need to take care of their parents
• Feel they need to be perfect to avoid upsetting them further
• Be worried about who would care for them if something happened to their parents
• Fear that their parents will never recover from the loss
• Believe their parents blame them for the sibling’s death

As I said in the first of these three blogs (click to read Part 1 or Part 2), I was shocked when my daughter came to me and said she thought I wished it was her who died instead of her sister. I cannot tell you how many siblings I have heard from now who have thought the same thing.

This article was not written to lay a guilt trip on anyone. But it is important to realize that how we handle our grief will affect the bereavement process for our children, and that we need to know how to help them, especially when it causes them to believe things that aren’t true.

Outward symptoms of grief for children or teens of any age is that they may sleep or cry more than usual. They may regress and return to earlier behaviors, or they may develop new fears or problems in school. They may complain about aches and pains. They may be angry and irritable, or they may become withdrawn and isolate themselves from family and friends.

Let’s talk about some of the things that can be going on behind the scenes that we might not realize and what we can do to help them.

Survivor’s guilt about being alive. It is common that many siblings feel guilty. That feeling can be acknowledged, but correct inaccurate thoughts and information. Reassure your child that all children are different and unique, and that he or she is just as important and loved as the child who died. Pay attention to friends or family members’ comments comparing a surviving sibling to the child who died. Comfort your child and help others understand that this can be hurtful.

Regrets and guilt about previous “bad” behavior. For example, they may think that they should have been nicer to or more patient with the sibling while he or she was still alive. Surviving children who fought with the deceased sibling or at times “wished” that he or she would disappear or die, may believe that their own thoughts and feelings caused the death. Reassure them that all brothers and sisters fight or disagree at times—that this is a natural part of sibling relationships.

Explain that all children feel angry or have unkind thoughts about family members from time to time, but that feelings or wishes cannot cause a death to happen. It may be helpful to explain what actually caused the sibling’s death.

Ongoing connections with the deceased sibling in an unhealthy way such as idealizing the deceased sibling, feeling inadequate when they compare themselves to the deceased sibling, or trying to “replace” the sibling by being just like him or her. Help these surviving children to see and appreciate their own unique strengths and abilities and their special place within the family.

Feeling helpless, hopeless, vulnerable, afraid, victimized. The death of a sibling can change children’s perceptions of themselves and of the world. They become aware of their own mortality and the mortality of the people they love, which can lead to their being overly cautious and overly protective of other siblings and of their parents, because they fear that something will happen to them. They will need help letting go of that fear, in a gentle and loving way. Be aware it is a process that may take quite a while.

Being adrift and obviously lonely or isolating themselves. They may give up, not enjoy life or, in extreme cases, feel they want to join the sibling and think about their own death. Acknowledge surviving children’s fear, sadness (or whatever emotion they are displaying) and talk about them without dismissing them, validating it as an understandable response. Encourage children to return to their regular, life affirming activities. Playing and socializing with friends can increase children’s sense of accomplishment and give them vital social support

Be especially alert if children become extremely withdrawn or isolated and seek professional help immediately if they express thoughts about suicide.

Wanting to change the past: preoccupied with thoughts that they could have or should have prevented the death of their sibling. Reassure them that the death was not their fault. (If your child was involved in any way, they need to know that it was an accident, which means it was unplanned and nothing could have stopped it.) Explain that things often look different when we look back and think about “what might have been,” but that there was nothing they could have done at the time. Let children know that you don’t blame them for their sibling’s death (and make sure that is the truth).

Overly worried about physical symptoms. If the sibling’s death was related to a particular illness or to physical pain and suffering, symptoms related to those conditions can take on new meaning for surviving siblings. For example, if a sibling’s death was due to a brain tumor, they may feel frightened or panicked when they have a headache.

Children can also develop physical symptoms due to anxiety. For example, children who refuse to go to school or frequently get sick at school may be fearful of parents or other siblings dying. If surviving children express concerns about physical symptoms, avoid talking about your own fears but don’t ignore their complaints. Show concern and, if need be, make an appointment with a trusted doctor who can objectively assess the situation.

They can also experience a more intense reaction known as childhood traumatic grief. In childhood traumatic grief, children develop symptoms associated with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which most of us have experienced ourselves with the death of our child.
Children may be more likely to experience traumatic grief if the death was sudden or traumatic, if it occurred under terrifying circumstances, or if the child witnessed or learned of horrific details surrounding the death.

Some of the symptoms of PTSD will sound very familiar. They are having nightmares about the death, he or she can’t stop thinking about how it happened, they keep imagining their sibling suffering, constantly irritable or angry, jumpy, poor concentration, developing new fears, etc.

How do you know if you need to seek help or counseling for your child or teen?

1. If grief reactions seem to continue without any relief
2. If they appear for the first time after an initial period of relative calm
3. If the issues continue to get worse
4. If they consistently interfere with your child’s being with friends, going to school, or enjoying activities

If you are fearful, causing you to smother your children trying to protect them (many of us now have to fight the constant fear of losing another child), it will definitely affect them. I highly recommend you release them from bearing that burden. First (based on their age), explain to them why you have been behaving this way. Apologize to them. And then allow God to remove that fear. Fear brings torment and is not from God. Ask Him to give you a deep revelation of His love for you (which seems to contradict the loss of your child).

It is important to have an active support network as well as safe places to express your grief. When you manage your own grief effectively:

• it eases the burden felt by the surviving children
• it offers them a positive role model for coping
• it creates a more supportive environment for them to express their own grief

I also feel it is very important to remind you to pray for your children! I cannot stress that enough, even if you feel your prayers for the child who died were not answered. Pray for your relationship with your children. Pray for them to be set free from the harmful effects of grief. Pray they will know the truth and it will set them free. Ask God to show you how to pray, and then pray those things, remembering that often children cannot put into words what they are thinking and feeling.

Just like bereaved parents, bereaved siblings may not always look like they’re grieving, but the wounds within them run deep. Most of them eventually learn how to find or create a “new normal” for themselves.

And just like us, they don’t forget, or move on and have closure, but rather they honor, remember, and incorporate deceased siblings into their lives in new ways and continue those bonds.

Would you like to know some proactive ways to help your child with grief? We can send you a PDF with some ideas, along with a list of ways siblings have been known to experience positive growth within their loss.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.

 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel.  

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

“I think you wish I had died instead of Becca!” What a shocking statement made to me by my daughter, several months after her sister’s death. Others of you have similar stories of how deeply your children are struggling, and how hard it is on the family.

I have had several requests to write about helping our children who are grieving the loss of their sibling. So, the next two or three articles will be devoted to this subject. What I will be sharing with you is based on:

1. What I have learned through personal experience with my own four children after the death of their sister
2. Talking to others (especially bereaved siblings)
3. What I have studied, starting about three years into my own journey

I am not a counselor, nor do I have all the answers. I think you can agree that this is a huge subject to tackle, and my prayer is that you will find a few things that are helpful with some of the concerns you may be facing with your children.

Siblings are called the forgotten mourners. If they are younger, they may be told something like, “Be good for your mom. She’s really hurting right now.” If he or she is older, they are probably asked, “How is your mom doing? This must be really hard on her!” People seem to be oblivious to the fact that the siblings are in deep grief themselves.

It is said, “When you lose a parent you lose your past. When you lose a child, you lose your future. When you lose a sibling, you lose both.”

Siblings play a big role and are meant to be the longest relationship in your life. When a sibling dies, the ones left behind lose one of the only people who shared a complete history with them. If they just had the one sibling, they lost the only person who shares the same history, and have even more layers of grief to work through.

Just some of the things these siblings are grieving are:

• the loss of future plans together
• the opportunity to grow old with someone who knew them at every stage in life
• watching their own children grow up together as cousins
• burying their parents together
• many lose a best friend (no matter the age)

I have to say that my heart goes out to my daughter every time I see something that is for sisters (like a picture frame). It is painful to see reminders that she was robbed of that relationship, knowing how often she deeply misses her big sister.

Bereaved siblings find they are constantly in the shadow of the sibling who passed, and it can put a lot of pressure on them. You, the parents, are grieving, the rest of your family is grieving, and siblings can feel pressure (imagined or not) to keep everyone together.

Sibling loss changes a person in so many ways. Just like us as parents, they will never be the same. And just like us, they continue to think about their sibling, particularly during anniversary dates, such as graduations, weddings, birthdays, holidays and other milestones in their own personal lives, painfully aware that their brother or sister is not by their side, sharing the special occasion.

And also, just like us, each child grieves in different ways, for different lengths of time. They are each on their own unique journey, because they had their own unique relationship with the lost sibling.

My oldest three were adults when their oldest sister died. My eldest son constantly affirmed his love for me, and would give me flowers, trying to help ease my loss. I also remember him throwing himself across our bed and just sobbing at how much he missed his sister. My daughter totally walked out on the family, replacing us with another family for about four years. (She is back with us now.) My middle son was newly married (two months) and was focused on his new wife and starting a family. My youngest son was sixteen when he lost his sister, and it really messed with him. He almost didn’t graduate, and is still struggling, angry that he never got to know his sister as an adult like his three siblings did.

Another issue we deal with, both as bereaved parents and siblings, are the innocent questions that can be painful to answer, such as, “How many brothers or sisters do you have?” If your child is young, you may need to help them figure out how to answer that, without insisting they always include their deceased sibling. They may find it most comfortable to answer it differently at times, based on the circumstance, which is okay. It can also change as they grow older, which is okay as well. Don’t take the way they need to answer that question as denial, lack of love or forgetting. Losing a sibling is different than losing a child, and their identity will be shifting with their loss. They need to figure this out based on their own needs, not ours.

The loss of a sibling leads to changes in the family structure in a major way. For one thing, it usually wreaks havoc with the birth order. Our daughter was the oldest, and it completely changed everything for her siblings in their established sibling “roles.” (It has also been very unnerving and sobering for each one as they become older than their oldest sister, who is forever twenty-nine.) Your child might have suddenly become the only daughter, or the only son. He or she may have just become an only child, which totally changes the dynamics and has a whole other set of huge issues for them to have to work through in their deep grief.

Up to this point, I have mostly been sharing why the death of our child affects our other children so deeply. (So often we are so consumed by our own grief, we can’t see why or how those closest to us are also deeply affected.)

In the next article, we will start looking at some of the things we can do to help them process their grief, even within our own darkness.

If you would like a free PDF version of the book  From Ring Bearer to Pallbearer: Giving a Voice to Bereaved Siblings and Grandparents (exclusively from GPS Hope) just click here to be taken to our free membership library where you can sign up to become a member and access the book and many other helpful resources.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.

 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

If you have recently lost your child from this earth, we know there is just no way to put into words the swirling emotions, the suffocating darkness and the crushing pain.

Our guess is that people were so wonderfully supportive for the first few days and even a few weeks. But at some point, everyone else’s life has gone back to normal, and you just want to scream at them, because your life is still at a screeching halt.

We get it.

If you have faced a deep loss before, grieving the death of your child may seem so much worse, and you think you are going crazy.

If you have never lost someone close before, you probably realize you have no grid for your grief, but you must be going crazy.

Either way, you may have times where you find you are literally forgetting to breathe, and have to remind yourself to take a breath. Your body is out of whack; your mind is full and empty at the same time. Your sleep is off. Often times you can’t stop crying, and it might even seem like everything around you looks gray and colorless. You can forget things, even as simple as how to peel an orange or find yourself panicking because you suddenly forgot how to get home from the store you have shopped at for ten years. You don’t know how you can go on living, and probably don’t want to, which makes no sense to your mind if you are happily married or have other children still here. You are barely in survival mode, and don’t think it is possible to get out of the darkness, much less to a place of wanting to live without your child, and impossible to have a life with purpose and meaning ever again.

Let me assure you, all of this is normal. Once again, those of us who have traveled this road ahead of you have felt all of that ourselves.

People who have not faced the loss of a child may tell you that you need to move on, that you need to get past it, or that you need to find a way to have closure. These are all people who don’t want to see you in so much pain, and they mean well, but to say it bluntly, they don’t know what they’re talking about.

• Your child will always be a part of you, so you won’t be “moving on.”
• Only having the precious memories of your child instead of your child makes it impossible to “get past it.”
• Having your future taken from you in the love and legacy of your child means there will not be “closure.”

HOWEVER….

It is possible to have hope in the midst of your intense pain.

It is possible to have light break through the darkness.

It is possible to laugh and have joy in your life in a new way.

It is possible to live a life of meaning and purpose again.

Not only is it possible, but it is probable, if you stay connected with bereaved parents who are living in that place.

Here at Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope), you will find this is a safe place for all of your emotions, all of your questions, your anger, and everything else that comes with grieving the death of your child. We are not just here for you, but we are here to walk with you, for as long as it takes for you to come out the other side with all of those things listed above that we ourselves have found.

And this will not be in spite of the loss of your child, but in honor of the life of your child.

It will probably take longer than you want it to. That’s okay. You have had an amputation. A part of your very being has been cut off. Give yourself lots and lots of grace and allow yourself lots and lots of time (even if those around you don’t). You can eventually learn to live with that piece of you missing, but there will be constant reminders and new situations causing you to stumble for the rest of your life. (Some of us call them grief attacks.)

Sometimes you will be forced to give in to your limitations of grief. Sometimes you will learn how to work around it. And yes, there will be times you will be able to soar above it. There is no right or wrong way. It is whatever way works for you at that moment in time.

But for now, just rest, knowing that you are surrounded by bereaved parents who have been right where you are, and that you have our hearts, our love and our prayers.

We also want you to know:

• You must go through this; there is no way around it.
• There is no timetable.
• There are no “grief stages” you have to work your way through.
• Moving forward does not mean you are leaving your child behind.
• Anything under five years for the death of one’s child is considered fresh grief.
• The death of one’s child is considered a trauma, and what you are feeling and thinking is normal.
• You will survive.
• You are not alone!

We understand, and will walk with you, to help you find your way out of the darkness and into a place of light and a life with meaning and purpose once again, BECAUSE of your child’s life, not in spite of their death. It won’t be easy, but hang on to the hope that it can be done.

Please be sure to visit our Wall of Remembrance, and have your child added!

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.