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What I Have Learned About Submission After 35 Years of Marriage

A Marriage that Stands the Test of Time

It was a holy moment in time, but I was so young, I didn’t understand that part of it.

Thirty-five years ago, I walked down the aisle and gave myself to David Diehl, and he gave himself to me (on April 28, 1984).

God made the two of us one that day, but it has been up to us to live that oneness out, in cooperation with Him. I will be the first one to admit how much of a challenge that has been for me at times. For instance, I want everything done the right way (meaning “MY way”). Can anyone else relate? I have had to learn how often there is no right or wrong way. It is just a different way.

And even more importantly, I have had to work through the true meaning of submission in a marriage. Most of us are familiar with the scripture in Ephesians 5 that talks about how the husband is the head of the wife and the wife needs to submit to her husband – some even say obey her husband.

The most common interpretation is that it means the husband is the commander-in-chief of the family, and everyone is to blindly follow with a, “Yes, sir!“ after receiving their marching orders. Believe it or not, I have been told that if the husband is wrong, he will answer to God for it and the wife is off the hook, because she was just submitting to her husband like she was supposed to. Say what????

And what if your husband doesn’t have that lion “type A” personality of barking out orders and expecting everybody else to follow them? For many years I struggled because I bought in to that view of the husband being “the priest of the home” (which you will not find in scripture, by the way). There were many times I dishonored my husband because he wasn’t out there in front of us forcing our family into some Christian mold.

Our entire marriage, Dave has walked in love, continually laying his life down for me as Christ laid down His life for the church (also in Ephesians 5 in the same set of scriptures that tells the wife to submit to her husband).

No matter how I tried to guilt him or how I disrespected him, he just kept walking in love. He has remained patient, and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude… (1 Corinthians 13). Okay, he isn’t a saint and perfect, doing it all the time, but it takes a lot for him to stray from that and give in to his flesh.

Oftentimes love and meekness can be misinterpreted as weakness. I am very sorry to say that I was guilty of that misinterpretation for a long time, and it affected our marriage. In Ephesians 5:33 I am told to respect my husband. As long as I misinterpreted the Scriptures to mean my husband was supposed to have a stronger personality than me, taking authority by putting his foot down and telling us what-is-what (especially spiritually) I struggled.

Doesn’t that sound crazy? But that is exactly what many of us wives have been told the Bible says our husbands should do. Wow! Is anyone else seeing something not quite right with this picture?

Praise God for always being willing to open our eyes to see truth when we truly want to see it. A few years ago, my eyes were opened to see how a marriage that is functioning in the fullness God intended for it to be, is a marriage that is in co-submission. As Dave says, “A Godly marriage is both people coming under submission to the Holy Spirit in each other.”

It is said that we are usually attracted to someone who has an opposite personality from ours. So if the husband has the strong personality, he is usually attracted to a woman who is on the quieter side. It is just a natural desire of wanting some balancing in our lives that attracts us to that person with an opposite personality. So what happens when the woman is the one with the strong personality, and the husband is the one on the quieter side with the serving heart and who has a calling to support others from behind?

Dave and I have discovered through experience (unfortunately) that often times those marriages are mislabeled as the wife having a Jezebel spirit. That happened to us, and that mislabel tried to destroy our marriage. But it is also what finally opened my eyes to see the truth of Ephesians 5, and to learn how to walk in the fullness of it.

There were many years of struggle, caused by my misunderstanding of expecting my husband to get in front and drag me and my family where we should be, instead of allowing Dave to be who God created him to be within our marriage, as a laid-back, calm, supportive-from-behind person. Even so, I still knew better than to be rebellious and go against what he would want me to do or not do. Were there times I got in the flesh and tried to manipulate my way into what I wanted? Definitely. But that was my own battle with my own flesh, not what has been mislabeled as a Jezebel spirit. (If you want to see what Jesus himself says is a Jezebel spirit, you can read it for yourself in Revelation 2:20. It has nothing to do with a woman controlling, manipulating and usurping the authority of a man in the way it is used and abused in the church today.)

My husband has always nourished me and cherished me. He has never put demands on me or coerced me to do what he wanted me to do out of anger or intimidation. And he has never hit me over the head with Ephesians 5, telling me that my role in the marriage is to submit to him no matter what. By the way, true submission is an act of my will, not being forced to obey like a parent with a child.

Woman was created from the rib in Adam’s side. It was the curse that put man as a ruler over women (Genesis 3:16). As Christians, we are no longer under the curse, and I am to be a helpmate to my husband, walking side-by-side with him. Neither one of us is in front with the other behind.

So here I am, thirty-five years later from the day that I said “I do” to my new husband, in a vow before God. I sit in complete awe and amazement at what God has done in our lives, and in our marriage. I am thanking God for this holy union; for it is truly holy, as God Himself is in the center. My husband has made sure of it, beyond what I or “man” may think or misinterpret as truth.

If you find yourself in the situation I was for many years, take it to God and allow him to show you truth. Open the word to Ephesians chapter 5, realizing that all the numbers for chapters and verses was put in there by man as a point of reference. God did not put in those separations. So instead of reading it based on the heading someone decided to put above a section, or reading it by separating each verse by the numbers in front of it, read through the entire chapter five so that you can read it in context and just flow right in to chapter 6. (Or read the entire letter written to the Ephesians since it really isn’t that long.) Read it like it was written with the flow of the Holy Spirit through the whole thing, not chopped up by chapters, verses and headings.

One thing you will discover is that right before God tells wives to submit to their own husbands as to the Lord, He says to submit to one another in the fear of God. Submission is something God intended to be a two-way lifestyle.

Based on this Scripture and others, man is not to dominate his wife, but he is to cherish her and submit to the Holy Spirit in his wife, as the wife also submits to the Holy Spirit in her husband in respect and honor.

My husband has been a living example of that for 35 years. Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) would not exist if he took a dominating role in our marriage. Dave takes seriously the fact that God says he is the head of our marriage. That is why he prays and allows God to lead our marriage, and why he has gotten behind me, helping to release what God put in me as I directly minister to grieving parents through my writing, speaking, coaching and other avenues. And I pray that we will have many more years to live out this incredible life of love, co-submission, and holiness in our marriage.

I would love to hear from you. To those with a marriage like mine (with the strong out-going wife and the calm and reserved husband), has this been a new revelation on how blessed you are to have your husband just the way he is?

I would also love to hear from those of you who have seen this truth of co-submission at work in your marriage.

Please note: I understand there will be those who disagree with this. If you want to express your disagreement in the comments below, I respect that. However, I reserve the right to delete any comments I feel are inappropriate, full of anger or malice, or do not serve the purpose of encouragement and edification.

 

Laura Diehl is an award-winning author, national speaker and singer. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests.

If you would like to receive monthly updates on their travel adventures click here and submit your name and email at the bottom of the page.

 

Looking for a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference? Click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook and subscribe to the GPS Hope YouTube channel for grieving parents.

 

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Episode 3: Forgiving Those Who Have Hurt You

Season Topic: The Many Facets of Forgiveness

 

Welcome to episode #3

Are you struggling with forgiveness after the death of your child?  That is the first topic series we are tackling on this podcast, and this week we are going to specifically address forgiving those who have hurt us in the grieving process.

 Mother’s Day

Before digging in to the topic though, we discuss the fact that this week is Mother’s Day, and I also share a word of caution based on something that happened between my living daughter and me.

How Could They Treat Me This Way?

I have heard from so many of you at how shocked and hurt you have been at some of the responses from people around you about your grief. Close friends, co-workers, other family members, even pastors and clergy, and casual acquaintances say and do things that can cause us to isolate ourselves even more than we do already.

Some of the reasons we are given for this are discussed, and why it doesn’t really matter. What is important is learning how to release ourselves from allowing it to keep us trapped in anger, draining us of precious energy we already have too little of.

Personal “Domino Effects”

We are all very fragile and vulnerable after the death of our child. This is when we need others to walk with us, giving us grace in the suffocating darkness of our grief. Unfortunately, that is often when we get slammed with the opposite response.

In this episode, I share a couple of painful and shocking things that happened to me as a result of grieving Becca’s death in a way that is considered normal for the death of a child, but others did not see it that way.

Hurtful Words and How We Want to Respond

Let’s just say it like it is. Some people say really stupid and hurtful things out of their ignorance and wanting to make us feel better, such as

  • At least she is in a better place now
  • I know how you feel. I lost my….
  • At least you still have your other children
  • You need to just move on and quit living in the past

And then there is the whole religious issue that God is punishing us for messing up, or that our child died because we didn’t have enough faith for their healing or didn’t pray enough or claim the right scriptures for their protection.

All of these are completely absurd, and you will hear my response to all of the above. (Some responses were actually given directly to those who said these things to me, and some I wisely kept in my head).

I believe in speaking things out….

If you would like the prayers/words of forgiveness to be spoken out loud that will be talked about in this podcast season, just let us know below where to send them.

 

 

Links referred to in this podcast episode

Birthdays: If you would like your child mentioned on the podcast the week of his or her birthday, click here to fill out the short form with the needed information.

This week we celebrate:

Patrick Keck… birthday May 7, 1990… forever 23

Sarah Wilber… May 10, 1984…  forever 34 (this is the first year for her family to be without her, so a special hug from all of us)

 

The special song I wrote for our children’s birthdays I Remember Well can be heard here. (It is the song that plays in the background of the birthday segment.)

 

Event page (where Laura is speaking)

Events can be found on the GPS Hope Facebook page (be sure to like/follow the page while you are there)

OR under the “resources” tab at www.gpshope.org.

 

And please remember to Hold On Pain Eases; there is HOPE.

 

You are safe here. No masks needed…

Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is here to walk with parents through the darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.

It is a safe place for anyone who has lost a child from this earth. There is no shame or judgement in where you are in this journey, including if you are struggling in your relationship with God or your faith has been completely shattered.

www.gpshope.org

 

To have Laura come and speak or sing at your event, contact us at office@gpshope.org.

 

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Six Reasons to Connect with Other Bereaved Parents

 

There are many grieving parents who have a wonderful support system of friends and family after the death of their child. Unfortunately, much of it often only lasts for about six months to a year.

Once a parent hits that one-year mark, many of the people who are in that support system expect us to start “pulling ourselves together” and going back to who we were before, instead of being all gloomy and sad. We are even told we need to see a counselor and get some help to get over it.

Yes, some of us might need counseling. But many parents I know who go that route end up dropping out, because it isn’t really helping. The counselor is going by the book, based on what they have learned in their schooling, or based on their own grief of losing someone like a parent, but just can’t quite seem to reach the level of walking with those of us who have lost our child, which is what we desperately need. (This blog is not telling anyone to not get counseling. Please find a qualified counselor as soon as possible if you feel it is needed to help you get through some of the worst of the grieving process.)

Not all, but most pareavors (parents who have been bereaved of their child) find that the most helpful thing they can do is to connect with other pareavors who were dumped onto this same unwanted journey and will walk with them through the dark valleys of deep grief.

Here are six specific reasons to connect with other bereaved parents.

  1. We are a safe sounding board. Our grief needs lots of grace. And the best place to safely share and vent your raw and real emotions is to those who have experienced the same blackness, confusion and turmoil. There is no shame, and no judgment on your thoughts or feelings when it comes to other parents who have been right where you are.
  2. We will not only let you talk about your child, but are honored to help you keep his or her memory alive, no matter how many years it has been since they left this earth.
  3. We understand the turmoil leading up to the sunrise and sunset dates, as well as things like not going to church on Mother’s Day, being unable to get in the “holiday spirit” etc., well beyond just the first year.
  4. We have experienced the physical trauma. We know what it is like
    • to be so forgetful that we think we are losing our minds or are terrified we are getting early dementia
    • to get sick easily because our immune system has been compromised
    • to not be able to handle crowds or noisy places like we used to
    • to have no energy to get out of bed, much less get dressed or take a shower, weeks and months into our grief (including years later for seasons here and there)
    • to not be able to attend certain events for many years because they are grief triggers for us
    • to have “grief fog” for years, and the frustration it brings
  5. We understand that the word “family” has a totally different meaning to it now, and we understand why you don’t want to have a family picture taken or go to a family reunion.
  6. You won’t get hurtful clichés and inappropriate Bible verses thrown at you to try and fix you or make you feel better.

There are so many more reasons; these are some just off the top of my head. So now the question becomes, “How do I connect with other pareavors to get this kind of support?” Let me share some suggestions with you.

  • There are many wonderful and encouraging Facebook pages for grieving moms and grieving parents. I am guessing you have probably already discovered a few that are a good fit for your beliefs and struggles.
  • With self-publishing on the rise, there are more and more books written on this subject.
  • You may have also discovered that YouTube has videos out there to help with your grief journey.
  • There are also some great conferences and retreats where you can get away for a few days and move toward a greater measure of healing.
  • And of course, there are actual support groups for grieving parents that meet locally on a regular basis.

Just a personal note on those last two: When our daughter Becca died, I didn’t want to go to a support group or any kind of gathering/conference for parents who have lost a child. I thought it would be morbid, and I didn’t want to sit around with a bunch of people who were a mess like me. I thought I would leave feeling worse than I came. But what I discovered is that it was wonderful being around a group of people who were a mess like me, for all the reasons listed above and more. They “got it!” I didn’t have to exhaust myself by wearing a mask making them think I was okay, or feel the need to apologize for laughing or crying at any given moment for no apparent reason. It was so very refreshing and healing.

Here at Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) we are doing everything we can to provide multiple ways for you to connect with grieving parents for encouragement, based on what works for you, including…. DRUM ROLL PLEASE….

We have launched a weekly podcast specifically for grieving parents!

The first episode was released on April 23, 2019 and a new one is released each Tuesday. The Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast is for those who are looking for light in their darkness, and for hope that your life can still have meaning and purpose as you learn to live in a way that honors the life of your child instead of being stuck in the deep grief of his or her death. You can find it several places where podcasts are found. (We hit a snag with iTunes and are hoping it will be there soon, as well.) It is also on our website, along with the show notes. Just go to www.gpshope.org/podcast.

In case you are not aware, here are several other ways that GPS Hope is providing ongoing support for grieving parents.

Facebook page

YouTube Channel

Award winning books

Deeper Dive book study on When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child

Weekend retreats

Podcast

Support Groups (It is easy to facilitate a local GPS Hope Share & Care group)

Life Coaching

The Hope Mobile (our 38-foot motor home we live in) to meet personally with bereaved parents, or to minister through speaking and music to your group

Whether you connect with us here at GPS Hope in some way, or you connect with other groups, the bottom line message is that you are not alone, and there are those of us out here who want to walk with you until you can share that same message of hope with someone else coming along behind you.

 

 

Last year I put together a list of top ten recommended books. If you would like to have that list sent to you, just let us know and we would be happy to do so. (Since that time, I have read Imagine Heaven by John Burke and highly recommend it as well.)

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

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Episode 2: Forgiving Yourself

Season Topic: The Many Facets of Forgiveness

 

Welcome to episode #2

Our topic for these first few weeks is discussing how to lay the foundation of forgiveness as we learn how to rebuild our lives. When our child dies there are so many people we need to forgive that it can almost paralyze us. Some of the people we need to forgive are obvious to us, and some are not so obvious.

Last week we talked about forgiveness in general. I hope you took away something helpful from last week’s episode, and if you haven’t listened to it, that you will do so.

Are you having a hard time forgiving yourself for your child’s death?

If only I had…
If only I knew…
If only I was…

I am sure you can easily fill in the blank of at least one of those.
The “what ifs” and “if onlys” can be pure torture on how we could have or should have done things differently to be able to stop what happened. We can also struggle with forgiving ourselves for not being with our child when he or she took their last breath on earth.

No one should carry the burden or blame of their own child’s death, and there are things we can do to help release ourselves from guilt.

Some of the things talked about in today’s episode are:

• You can’t do something with information you don’t have
• Why are we not talking to ourselves the same way we would to someone else?
• Realizing our child is not holding anything against us
• A new thought that we have taken the burden of grief on ourselves, so they won’t have to experience it
• Unforgiveness and playing the blame game puts us on the devil’s playing field

We also discuss how forgiveness, which includes forgiving ourselves, gives us a foothold to climb out of the deep, dark pit of intense grief.

I believe in speaking things out….

If you would like the prayers/words of forgiveness to be spoken out loud that will be talked about in this podcast season, just let us know below where to send them.

Links referred to in this podcast episode:

Birthdays: If you would like your child mentioned on the podcast the week of their birthday, click here to fill out the short form with the needed information.

This week we celebrate

  • Adam Sharp, birthday 4/21/95, forever 19
  • Abigail (Abi) Jane, birthday 4/25/15, forever 18 months

The special song I wrote for our children’s birthdays I Remember Well can be heard here. (It is the song that plays in the background of the birthday segment.)

To consider having me come and speak (or just to get together if you live close to where we will be traveling, as shared in the podcast) email us at office@gpshope.org.

Amazon link to the book Imagine Heaven by John Burke

Please remember to Hold On Pain Eases; there is HOPE!

 

You are safe here. No masks needed…

Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is here to walk with parents through the darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.

It is a safe place for anyone who has lost a child from this earth. There is no shame or judgement in where you are in this journey, including if you are struggling in your relationship with God or your faith has been completely shattered.

www.gpshope.org

 

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Episode 1: Is Forgiveness Really Necessary?

Season Topic: The Many Facets of Forgiveness

Welcome to episode – #1, our very first podcast!

There are so many other things you could be doing, so I am honored that you have chosen to check us out and are considering spending the next few minutes together.

Are you struggling with unforgiveness?

Most of us do, in at least one area after the death of our child. It is not uncommon for parents not to even realize it, until it is brought to their attention.

This first season of the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast is about forgiveness. When a child dies there can be so much unforgiveness it completely paralyzes a person.

Within this important topic, today’s episode is specifically about the need to lay the foundation of forgiveness to be able to rebuild your life, allowing one to move forward and not stay paralyzed in that place of darkness.

A Lesson from elephants

Did you know that a baby elephant can help us let go of the thought that we just can’t forgive? Listen in, as I share this interesting nugget with our listeners.

Where is God in all of this?

Even if you are angry at God, or don’t believe there is a God, the need to let go and forgive is still a necessary part of getting out of the darkness.

Coming up soon…

The following several episodes will cover the different people we may need to forgive, such as

• those who had something to do with the death of our child, either directly or indirectly
• those who have hurt us by not understanding the way we need to grieve the death of our child
• our child for leaving us here without him or her
• God for not stepping in to stop it
• Ourselves, as we are filled with “I should have’s”

You are safe here. No masks needed…

This is a safe place for anyone who has lost a child from this earth. There is no shame or judgement in where you are in this journey, including if you are struggling in your relationship with God or your faith has been completely shattered.

Links referred to in this episode

In this podcast, I briefly share about the loss of our oldest daughter, Becca. If you would like to read about Becca’s story in more detail, click here.

Birthdays: Each week I will announce the birthdays coming up of our children who are no longer here, so that our listeners can remember them with you. If you would like your child added to the list, click here to fill out the form with the needed information.

This week we celebrate

  • Becca Diehl Howard, birthday 4/13/82, who is forever 29

The original song I Remember Well can be heard here.

As shared in the podcast, we want to bless you with a thank you gift for listening within the first five days. Please submit your name and best email address below by April 28 to receive the free eBook Triple Crown Transformation.  Unfortunately this offer has now expired.

To get in on the 20% discount on all of our books during the month of April, go to our store and be sure to use the promo code BECCA when checking out.

For information on the retreat click here.

If you have any recommendations of guests to have on this podcast, or any suggestions, please contact us at office@gpshope.org.

And please remember to Hold On Pain Eases; there is hope.

Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is here to walk with parents through the darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose. www.gpshope.org

To have Laura come and speak or sing at your event, fill out this form.

 

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