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Episode 7: Forgiving God for Letting Your Child Die (Part 1)

Season Topic: The Many Facets of  Forgiveness

 

I cannot offer an easy fix or solution to this issue of needing to forgive God.

The best thing I can do isn’t to try and convince you why forgiving God is the right thing to do (or why you should stop being angry at Him), but to tell you what I have learned about God in my journey here on this earth, why I still trust Him, love Him and follow Him, why I can say He is faithful and how it has gotten me where I am today.

In this episode we discuss several misconceptions, how our perspective can change our thoughts about God, and start tackling the question of “Why?”

Since this topic is more than what we can tackle in one discussion, we will finish it next week.

Birthdays

Flora Mae Sparger was born on May 24 and is forever 12 days old (my step sister I never knew)

Shaun Klein was born on June 1 and is forever 33

Riley Whitehead was born on June 3 and is forever 19

The full song I Remember Well (which is the background song during the birthday segment) can be heard here.

 

Links referred to in this episode

Giving Hope to Others: To help us continue and increase our reach to other grieving parents, click here to give a special tax-deductible gift or to set up monthly giving.

And don’t forget to check out the GPS Hope & Healing Retreat.

And please remember to Hold On Pain Eases; there is HOPE!

www.gpshope.org

You are safe here. No masks needed…

Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is here to walk with parents through the darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose. This is a safe place for anyone who has lost a child from this earth. There is no shame or judgement in where you are in this journey, including if you are struggling in your relationship with God or your faith has been completely shattered.

To have Laura come and speak or sing at your event, contact us at office@gpshope.org.

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Year One, Year Two, Year Three and Beyond

 

Any loss takes time to process and work through. The loss of a loved one can take weeks, months, and years. The loss of a child takes a lifetime.

Grief has its own individual path for each person. We may often hear the words, “There is no right or wrong way to grieve,” and yet much of society shouts the exact opposite to those who are in deep mourning.

We are asked when we are going to “get over it,” or are told we need to let our child go and start moving forward. This can make us angry and add to the painful confusion, making one wonder, “What’s wrong with me, that I am taking so long to be able to function again?” So, we put on a mask, to keep people around us from knowing what a mess we still are, months and even years later.

What most people don’t realize, is that most experts consider the death of one’s child traumatic grief, and that up to five years can be considered “fresh” grief. And as grieving parents, we need to know this; that it’s okay if you are still barely functioning or are unable to go out and “have fun” with friends, or attend painful family events that your child should have been part of, years after the loss.

You may be interested to know that as I started hearing from other bereaved parents in the first couple of years of my journey, I discovered there does seem to be an underlying generic time-frame that many of us pareavors sort of fall into.

The first year is a painful fog, full of numbness, confusion, pain, and disbelief. All the “firsts” hit us hard. The first time he or she is not with us for each holiday or yearly family event, the first year they are not here for their birthday and of course, the first anniversary of their death.

I thought the second year would be easier, because I had already gone through everything once. As pareavors just starting out on this horrific journey, we don’t think it is even possible, but the second year of being without our child is usually worse than the first year. I hope that is not the case for you, but I want to be up front and honest that it is a strong possibility.

Why does that happen to so many of us?

Well, for me personally, that first year I braced myself for all the “firsts,” plus I was still in that fog of trying to figure out if this had really happened. The second year caught me off guard as the fog began to lift. Round two of all those yearly events no longer had the blessing of numbness to block the full depth of the pain. When that initial shock finally wore off, it caused the weight of my loss to hit me full force, with a heaviness and darkness that left me wondering if I would ever get through it. I remember thinking how desperately I wanted the pain to end, afraid that it never would.

The third year for many of us becomes more livable. We are starting to accept the finality and painful fact that our child will never again be with us at any of these events. We are starting to resign ourselves to the fact that no matter how much it hurts, we must figure out who we are without our child. Some of us even begin to see glimmers of hope; that we can still have joy and happiness in the life we are living with those who are still here whom we love, and who love us.

After saying all of that, I also want to emphasize that we are all on our own individual journey.

Unfortunately, there many parents who are stuck in the second-year level. They take many more years to get to the place of painful acceptance, which is necessary to be able to start building their new normal in a way that brings peace, joy, love and laughter back into their lives. For instance, I personally know someone who waited over four years before they could even bring themselves to have a tombstone made for their child’s grave.

Let me say it again, because it is so important. NO ONE is on the same timetable of grieving the death of their child.

Do not look at any dates to see where others were emotionally in our grieving process and use it as some sort of a timeline to force on yourself. We are all on our own individual timeline and need to go through the process at our own speed. Yes, there are some “patterns” (for lack of a better word) that some of us seem to fall into, but don’t expect yourself to fit into that. Give yourself grace to walk your own necessary path. As long as you are putting one foot in front of the other, you will get there. (When Tragedy Strikes.)

How close you were (or weren’t), how he or she died, their age at death and so many other things all play a factor in how you grieve and how long it takes to be able to function again, much less actually learn how to live with your child being “amputated” from you.

Even within this three to five year “acceptance” range, we are all different, including those of us who are “early” or “late.” Here are what a few others have to say about their journey and this “three year” timeline:

 

  • Four years later, I still struggle with these feelings, but not on a daily basis.
  • I just passed anniversary number 5. For me, year 1 -I hardly remember anything, mainly a fog. Year 2 (for me) was worse. The numbness was gone. It was real. It was crushing. I survived day-to-day. Year 3 -I started feeling some joy again. Able to go a few days without crying. Year 4 – still painful, but more like a slap than a body-slam.
  • At first, I experienced waves of grief that crashed over me throwing me prostrate to the floor in agony. After 3-4 years it was mostly a gentle longing with times of intense pain and feelings of loss.
  • I honestly couldn’t tell you anything about the first 2 years. Year 3 things began to get a little better. Lord knows I still cry every day. Year 4 I smiled again. Real smiles not forced ones. And just over the past few months I have finally begun to feel happiness.
  • Year 2 is worse. But I am intentionally seeking Joy and now I’m halfway through the second year. I think I can see Joy every now and then although it is still a ways ahead of me yet.
  • Sadly, the only way to ‘get past this’ is to go through it!! I am broken now in a place that will never heal. But I do find that I can laugh more than I used to, but I define my life ‘before my son died’ and ‘after he died.’ The trick is to wake up every day and try to have a plan and a purpose.

In other words, whether you fit the “pattern” or not, you are in a normal place with your grief, and the right one for you.

Year one, year two, year three, year five, year ten, year twenty, the rest of this lifetime… and then comes our glorious reunion. And the best part? Each day we remain here on this earth doesn’t mean we are getting further away from our children, but that we are one day closer!

We all need to have our children’s lives acknowledged. On our weekly podcast, we love to share with our listeners the birthdays of our children. To have your child’s special and important day announced on the podcast the week of their birthday, fill out and submit the simple form below so that we have the needed information. (This will also allow us to send you our encouraging Weekly Word of Hope, which you can unsubscribe from at any time if you don’t find it helpful.)

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

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Episode 6: Forgiving Those Who Are Not Grieving the Same Way

Season Topic: The Many Facets of  Forgiveness

I think we will all agree that there is no wrong way to grieve, especially when grieving the death of your child, until it comes to our spouse (or someone close to us) and then they are doing it wrong if they aren’t doing it like we are!

Laura’s husband, Dave, joins her on this podcast for a candid discussion on how they grieved Becca’s death differently, and some of the reasons.

Some practical suggestions

Laura and Dave go into depth on these three suggestions

• Plug into a local support group
• Drop unrealistic expectations
• Start a thankfulness journal

Sibling grief

Sibling grief will be its own series at some point, but Laura and Dave share briefly on why your other children may be doing things like pulling away from you.

Here at GPS Hope…

We encourage you to be determined that your child’s death is not what will be the death of your marriage or other important relationships. At least not on your end. The way to do that is to accept and respect the needs of that other person in how they are grieving and take care of your own needs.

Forgiveness

Each week Laura has been sharing a different prayer with you to say out loud based on the topic and this week isn’t any different. This week’s prayer can be for anyone close to you who is not grieving the same way you are, including your other children, a parent, close friend, and of course your spouse.

If you would like a PDF of these prayers, just submit the information below.

Birthdays

Isaiah Santell was born on May 22 and is forever 16.

I would love to announce your child’s birthday. Click here to fill out the short form with the needed information. And be sure to let other bereaved parents know that their child can be celebrated with our listeners!

The full song I Remember Well (which is the background song during the birthday segment) can be heard here.

Links referred to in this episode

GPS Hope Share & Care Groups – find out how easy it is to facilitate your own group

GPS Hope library (to download the free eBook From Ring Bearer to Pall Bearer)

To find out more about Laura’s award winning book When Tragedy Strikes, click here.

 

Give Hope to Others: If GPS Hope has brought you hope and light in your grief journey, please consider helping us reach more grieving parents who find themselves hurled onto this same unwanted path. Click here to support GPS Hope monthly or to give a special gift.

And please remember to Hold On Pain Eases; there is HOPE!

www.gpshope.org 

You are safe here. No masks needed…

Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is here to walk with parents through the darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose. This is a safe place for anyone who has lost a child from this earth. There is no shame or judgement in where you are in this journey, including if you are struggling in your relationship with God or your faith has been completely shattered.

To have Laura come and speak or sing at your event, contact us at office@gpshope.org.

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Episode 5: Forgiving the Person Responsible

Season Topic: The Many Facets of Forgiveness

 

This week, we discuss forgiving the guilty; those who had a hand in our child’s death, whether it was directly or indirectly.

Your two choices
  • You can keep dwelling on it, rehearsing all the reasons why you should remain bitter and why that person does not deserve to be forgiven.
  • You can choose to release that person in your thoughts and forgive them (which does not mean you are okay with what they did and there is no need for justice, especially if it is an issue where the law is involved).
Forgiveness is for YOU

We might say or think, “I can’t forgive.” The truth is, we won’t forgive because we feel justified in blaming and making someone pay for what they did. Refusing to forgive is not hurting them; it is hurting you like a cancer eating you up and killing your soul. It is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. As long as you hold onto unforgiveness, you are chained to that person, being dragged around with your anger and bitterness.

Forgiveness does not depend on whether or not a person deserves that forgiveness. It isn’t even based on if they are sorry for what they have done. Forgiving that person is not offering them a way out; you are giving yourself a gift. A gift you deserve to have and unwrap!

Becca’s doctor

Hear about the person Laura finds herself needing to forgive multiple times, that probably caused Becca’s death and what he did.

How do I forgive them?

It is so very worth fighting through to be set free in this area, so we spend a bit of time on this question. First, we need to realize and accept that it is a conscious decision we make that goes beyond our feelings, and that it won’t be a one-time thing, but a process. We discuss how Jesus was able to forgive, and a specific insight is shared that can help us follow His example.

It helps to do an action

Quite often we need to do something tangible or take an action to put us on the needed path to forgive the person who caused our child’s departure from this earth. In this podcast, several suggestions on what to do are made, including speaking your forgiveness out loud. To have all of the prayers talked about in this series on forgiveness, submit your name and email address below.

As you determine in your heart to take these steps, God will be faithful to meet you. You will find yourself having to forgive this person less often, until one day you suddenly realize you truly have forgiven them and are free of the painful grip they once had on you.

Birthdays:

Kyle Terry was born on 5/24/90 and is forever 28.

Each week I will announce the birthdays coming up of our children who are no longer here, so that our listeners can remember them with you. If you would like your child added to the list click here to fill out the needed information.

The full song I Remember Well (which is the background song during the birthday segment) can be heard here.

Links referred to in this episode

GPS Hope & Healing Retreat: To find out about the retreat in Iowa (or any other upcoming GPS Hope & Healing retreats) where you can be ministered to body, soul and spirit, click here.

Pay it Forward: If GPS Hope has brought you hope and light in your grief journey, please consider helping us reach more grieving parents who find themselves hurled onto this same unwanted path. Click here to support GPS Hope monthly or to give a special gift.

And please remember to Hold On Pain Eases; there is HOPE!

www.gpshope.org

 

You are safe here. No masks needed…

Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is here to walk with parents through the darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose. This is a safe place for anyone who has lost a child from this earth. There is no shame or judgement in where you are in this journey, including if you are struggling in your relationship with God or your faith has been completely shattered.

To have Laura come and speak or sing at your event, contact us at office@gpshope.org.

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Episode 4: Forgiving Your Child for Leaving You

Season Topic: The Many Facets of Forgiveness

 

Welcome to episode #4

Are you struggling with forgiveness after the death of your child? Well that’s exactly what we are discussing in this first series of our podcast, and this week we specifically address forgiving our child for leaving us.

A loaded and difficult topic

Some parents know they are struggling with it, but there are those who don’t realize they are until the possibility is brought to their attention. Maybe you have had this anger inside of you and didn’t know where it was coming from. Not everyone has unforgiveness against their child, but it is worth considering, especially if it is a new thought for you.

It can be a very hard thing to admit, because it sounds so awful and horrifying, but now you can be relieved to know you are not the only one who has felt this way and struggled with being angry at your child for dying and leaving you behind.

In this episode

• We discuss some of the reasons we might be angry at our child
• We touch specifically on death by suicide and overdose.
• I share about a time our daughter Becca took a bunch of pills.
• Doug and BJ Jensen are introduced, whose son died by suicide. They are a precious couple who now have an international ministry, Love in Motion, that uses sign language to bring healing to others.
• Listeners are given ideas on how to honor their child as a wonderful tribute to your son or daughter, learning that doing something good like this will help you to forgive them as you reach out to help others.

Staying angry at your child will keep you from being able to fully love them and get to a place of having warm memories of their life, instead of stuck in the pain and darkness of their death. My prayer is that by the end of our discussion, you will be walking in a new level of peace in this specific area.

Speaking adds power to our thoughts

To receive a copy of the forgiveness prayers used in this series, just submit your name and email address below and we will send the right to you.

Birthdays:

This week we celebrate

Jordan Slusher, birthday 5/17/91 and is forever 21

Chris Rueben, birthday 5/19/85 and is forever 16

Don’t miss out on the chance to have your son or daughter’s birthday announced on the podcast. Click here to give us your child’s name and birthday.

The special song I wrote for our children’s birthdays I Remember Well can be heard here. (It is the song that plays in the background of the birthday segment.)

Links referred to in this episode:

Doug and BJ Jensen’s signing song A Healing Hallelujah

To post a picture of your child’s memorial garden on the GPS Hope Facebook page, find the thread (using the search bar on the side if needed and type in “memorial garden”.)

Please remember to rate and review this podcast. The more there are, the higher it ranks in the search engines, helping more grieving parents find it!

Next week…

We will be talking about forgiving anyone who caused the death of your child, whether directly or indirectly. I will be sharing who the person is I had to forgive, so I hope you can listen in and if you know someone who might be interested in this topic, give them a heads up and let them know about it.

And please remember to Hold On Pain Eases; there is HOPE.

 

You are safe here. No masks needed…

Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is here to walk with parents through the darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.

It is a safe place for anyone who has lost a child from this earth. There is no shame or judgement in where you are in this journey, including if you are struggling in your relationship with God or your faith has been completely shattered.

 

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