Sibling loss is one of the most overlooked forms of grief. While much of the care and concern after a child’s death is directed toward others, surviving siblings are often left quietly carrying a deep and complex sorrow of their own. They are sometimes called the “forgotten mourners,” not because their grief is small, but because it is so often unseen.

As parents who have lost a child, we understand profound pain. Yet sibling loss affects our other children in ways we may not fully recognize, especially when we are overwhelmed by our own heartbreak. Understanding sibling loss: how it affects surviving children is essential if we want to care for them well while continuing to grieve ourselves.

The unique weight of sibling loss

To lose a sibling is to lose both the past and the future. Siblings share childhood memories, family stories, inside jokes, and shared history. They are the ones who remember what it was like growing up in the same home. At the same time, siblings often imagine a future together such as walking through adulthood, caring for aging parents, celebrating milestones, and growing old side by side.

When sibling loss occurs, that shared past is fractured, and the imagined future disappears. Surviving children don’t just miss who their brother or sister was. They also grieve everything that will now never be.

“I don’t want to make my parents hurt more”

One of the most common experiences surviving siblings describe is holding back their grief to protect their parents. Many children, whether young or grown, avoid talking about their brother or sister because they fear causing more pain.

But here is something important for us as parents to understand: our children already know we are hurting. Talking about their sibling usually does not make it worse. It often brings relief. Silence, on the other hand, can leave siblings feeling alone and unsure whether their grief is welcome or even valid. 

How sibling loss affects surviving children often includes delayed grief, where emotions surface years later, sometimes triggered by another loss, a milestone, or even simply reaching the age their sibling was when they died.

Becoming older than your older sibling

One of the quieter but deeply painful realities of sibling loss is the moment a surviving child becomes older than the sibling who died. This can be disorienting and emotionally heavy. Suddenly, time has moved forward for one child and stopped forever for another.

For many siblings, reaching that age brings a new wave of grief and reflection. They may think more deeply about how young their sibling truly was, or what life looked like for them at that age. This is often a time of reprocessing loss, even many years later.

Living in your parents’ grief

Another phrase siblings frequently use is this: “I feel like I’m living in my parents’ grief.”

They understand that their parents are in deep pain. They want to give grace. But when grief consumes the emotional space of a household for an extended time, siblings may feel invisible or emotionally disconnected. Some describe feeling as though they lost not only their brother or sister, but also their parents.

This does not mean parents are doing something wrong. It means that grief is powerful, and without intentional communication, it can unintentionally create distance. How sibling loss affects surviving children includes how they interpret what they see and hear, not just what we intend.

Words matter deeply here. Statements like “I just want to go be with my child” may reflect honest pain, but to a surviving child, they can sound like, “I’m not enough.” Many siblings carry that message quietly for years.

The fear of “who’s next?”

After sibling loss, many surviving children live with an undercurrent of fear. Phone calls at odd hours, delayed text responses, or unexpected changes can trigger anxiety. This fear doesn’t always control daily life, but it often lingers in the background.

This heightened awareness is not weakness. It is the nervous system responding to sudden, traumatic loss. Understanding how sibling loss affects surviving children means recognizing that this fear is common and often unspoken.

Milestones without them

Weddings, graduations, birthdays, and holidays can be especially painful for siblings. These moments highlight absence in ways everyday life may not. Some siblings want to honor their brother or sister publicly; others prefer to do so privately. Both are valid.

As parents, it can be tempting to want inclusion as a way to ensure the child who died is remembered in visible ways. But it is crucial to allow surviving children to decide how they honor their sibling. Pressuring them to grieve or remember in a specific way can add unnecessary pain to an already bittersweet day.

Trust this: they are thinking about their sibling, even if they don’t show it the way we expect.

Faith, grief, and the search for understanding

Sibling loss can deeply affect faith. Some siblings find comfort in their relationship with God; others wrestle with questions, especially when loss feels senseless or leaves children behind. Many struggle to find faith-based resources specifically for sibling grief, which can increase feelings of isolation.

And yet, for many, faith eventually becomes a place of grounding, where grief is acknowledged, not minimized, and where hope does not erase pain but walks alongside it.

How parents can help after sibling loss

You don’t need perfect words. You don’t need to fix their grief. What your children need most is permission; permission to talk, to remember, to cry, or even to stay silent.

Here are a few gentle ways parents can support surviving children:

• Say their sibling’s name and invite conversation without pressure
• Reassure them explicitly that they are deeply loved and valued
• Allow grief to look different for each child
• Be mindful of how expressions of despair may be heard
• Acknowledge milestones and difficult dates together

How sibling loss affects surviving children is not a problem to solve. It is a relationship to tend with grace, patience, and humility.

You are still needed

If you are reading this as a grieving parent, please hear this truth clearly: your presence matters. Even when you feel empty, broken, or unsure how to keep going, your children still need you. They may not say it. They may not show it. But they need you; not a perfect version, just a present one.

Your grief does not disqualify you from loving them well. And their grief does not mean you have failed.

A gentle closing

Just like child loss, sibling loss changes a person forever. It reshapes relationships, memories and expectations. But love does not disappear. It continues in shared stories, quiet understanding, and the compassion that grows when pain is acknowledged instead of hidden.

As you navigate sibling loss and how it affects surviving children, may you find the courage to keep listening, the grace to keep learning, and the faith to trust that God is near, both to you and to every child still finding their way through grief.

NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 332. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app. The episode features author and podcast host Laura Diehl in conversation with Bobby and Gabby Bisterfeld, who have both lost two siblings.

Find comfort in The Bible’s Grieving Parents now on Kindle or PDF while the paperback edition is on its way.

If you would like to receive a weekly word of hope alongside thousands of other bereaved parents, click here.

To learn more about Sibling Lifeline and connect with Bobby and Gabby, click here

Help us keep this podcast ad-free while receiving special encouragement and bonus content. Join the GPS Hope Community on Patreon

If you would like gentle support as you navigate life after child loss, I’ve created a free guide to walk with you. Sign below and get your copy.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.

The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope. 

After the death of a child, joy can feel impossible. Many grieving parents describe their heart as broken, locked shut and unable to fully beat again. The idea of joy or happiness can feel distant, unrealistic, or even offensive in the depth of such loss. And yet, deep within many of us is a quiet longing to believe that joy might still be possible, even if it looks somewhat different.  

Unlocking your heart to joy after child loss does not mean pretending the pain isn’t there. It does not mean returning to who you were before, or forcing yourself into a version of happiness that no longer fits. Instead, it is about allowing God to gently, patiently work within your broken heart, creating space for a different kind of joy to grow. A joy that is rooted in hope, strength, and His love for you.

Over time, I have discovered three grace-filled, biblical keys that can help unlock the heart and allow joy to slowly return after child loss. They are not quick fixes. They are not formulas. But they are real, life-giving practices that have helped me, and many other bereaved parents, experience joy as a steady undercurrent rather than a fleeting emotion.

When Joy Feels Locked Away

When our child dies, something inside us changes forever. Grief reshapes our inner world, and many of us assume that joy was buried along with our child. Even hearing the word “joy” can feel painful.

This is why unlocking your heart to joy after child loss often begins with permission; permission to believe that joy does not have to look the way it once did. Joy after loss is not about being filled with laughter or lightheartedness. It is about strength, anchoring, and the quiet assurance and thankfulness that God is still holding you.

Key One: Learning Thankfulness in the Midst of Pain

The first key to unlocking your heart to joy after child loss is thankfulness. Not a shallow gratitude that ignores pain, but a deliberate choice to notice what still remains.

Whatever we focus on will eventually consume us. When our thoughts remain fixed solely on loss, the pain can overwhelm every part of our being. But when we slowly and gently begin to notice moments of grace, the presence of God, or reminders of eternal hope, something begins to shift. 

There were seasons when I struggled deeply with what grief had done to my family. Watching my children wrestle with their own pain, making choices they never would have made before, and drifting from one another felt like fresh wounds layered on top of my loss. In the middle of one such season, my middle son sent me a simple message reminding me that the ultimate hope is eternity with Jesus and each other, and that as far as he was concerned, I was being successful, knowing that Becca was there waiting for us all. 

That reminder did not erase the pain, but it gave me something solid to stand on. Thankfulness does not deny grief. It simply keeps grief from having the final word.

Key Two: Letting God’s Word Restore Strength and Joy

Another vital part of unlocking your heart to joy after child loss is immersing yourself in the Word of God.

There was a time when I intentionally sought out Scripture passages about joy, writing them out and reading them daily. What I discovered was deeply freeing. Scripture reminds us that joy is not something we must manufacture. It does not depend on our emotional strength or spiritual performance.

It is no secret that the enemy works overtime to keep us from walking in joy. Why would he be so determined to steal my joy? Because “The joy of the Lord is your strength,” (Nehemiah 8:10).  This strength does not come from how joyful we feel toward God; it comes from His joy over us. His joy and love for me is my strength. 

When we understand that God rejoices over us, because of how much He loves us and how uniquely created and wonderful we are, even in our brokenness, it plants a seed of hope. And from that seed, joy begins to grow, not as surface happiness, but as spiritual strength.

Key Three: Extending Care Beyond Our Own Grief

The third key to unlocking your heart to joy after child loss is learning to extend care beyond your own pain. In other words, help someone else who has a need. 

This may feel counterintuitive, especially when grief leaves us feeling empty and exhausted. I know we may feel like we have nothing to give, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. But it is when we are weak, He is strong. 

Ministering to other bereaved parents, whether in person or from a distance, has often energized me emotionally and spiritually. It is not because the pain disappears, but because God meets us in the act of giving. When we allow Him to work through us, even in our weakness, joy is released in ways we could never create on our own.

It is God’s law of sowing and reaping. Giving is a spiritual act that bears spiritual fruit. It doesn’t have to be anything big. It can even be something as simple as giving a compliment to a stranger on their outfit. When we feel God flowing through us to someone else, the fulfillment and joy it can bring is priceless. 

A Different Kind of Joy Takes Root

Unlocking your heart to joy after child loss may not feel the same as the joy you once knew. That joy belongs to a different chapter of life. What grows in its place is something deeper and more enduring.

For me, joy now feels like a steady undercurrent. It is anchored, grounded and strong. It is not always visible on the surface, but is woven into the fabric of who I am. Over time, I realized that the words that best describe this kind of joy are contentment, confidence, and hope.

Not sparkle. Not constant happiness. But a quiet knowing that God is with me, strengthening me, and carrying me forward.

A Gentle Invitation Forward

If your heart feels locked today, I want you to know that you are not broken beyond repair. Unlocking your heart to joy after child loss happens slowly, one small step at a time, as you allow God to work through thankfulness, His Word, and loving connection with others.

You are not meant to walk this journey alone. Even in grief, there is room for hope to grow, strength to return, and joy—real, anchored joy—to take root again.

NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 331. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

Reflections of Hope: Daily Readings for Bereaved Parents — a hardback devotional offering comfort throughout the year. Click here to learn more.

Help us keep this podcast ad-free while receiving special encouragement and bonus content. Join the GPS Hope Community on Patreon

If you would like gentle support as you navigate life after child loss, I’ve created a free guide to walk with you. Sign below and get your copy.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.

The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope.